Thursday, February 03, 2005

My head is going to explode

I have a lot of random thoughts swirling in my head at the moment and not sure if I can even get them down here. Pardon me if I ramble on a bit.
Finally heard about child support. H (Josh's dad's current, but soon to be ex-wife) finally emailed me. Told me that she and Jacob were separated and he's been taking care of his own bills including child support but has gotten behind because of slow business. But she said that he said he'd be paying for February and hoped to get caught up soon. We'll see. I'm not surprised that they're separated. She was very apologetic about the situation.
This is my busiest month of work as all my spring schools are finaling their books and I still have to see my fall delivery schools.
Got more news from Marty. He found out that he has to be in California on Feb. 13. That means he's not going to be able to get out of his apartment before then so he'll have to pay for Feb. & March rent. He alluded to the fact that he might not be able to even come to Texas before he leaves for Alaska. This does not sit well with me. If that is the case, then it will be a year and a half before I see him again.
I'm already having not so good thoughts about things. I love him very much and want to be with him, but I'm having doubts about his feelings for me. Oh, I know he loves me. But I'm wondering how much. Where do I fit in the scheme of things? And the fact that he's not being honest with himself about other things.
Maybe I read to much into things, ponder things too much, question everything. I wonder how compatible we really are.
I'm a planner. I like to know what's going on at all times. I like to plan things in advance. I can't watch scary movies unless I know how it ends. I need to know how my partner is feeling at all times. I have to have issues resolved. I need romance. Being mature is natural for me.
Marty is a bly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of guy. Whatever happens, happens. For him, feelings are overrated. It's better to ignore issues than to fight in his mind. Romance is like a foreign language to him that he doesn't want to learn. And he still has some growing up to do.
But there are good things too. We have common interests, tastes, future plans. And we do love each other. I can feel it when I'm with him and have no doubts. But since that is so seldom, how does a couple keep love alive at a distance? Is love enough? I knew this would be hard. I knew I would question things from time to time. I know I'm the type to always make things much more complex than they really are. (But I can't help it) I'm also one that when I do fall in love, I really, really fall. I put everything in to it. And if I don't get a little something back, then I question everything. And I worry. Way too much.
That's why my head is spinning at the moment. When will it stop?

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