Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A Daunting Task

As if I don't have enough things to pile on my plate. I got the packet from the Amarillo diocese to have my marriage declared null by the Catholic Church. In addition to the 18 pages of questions that need to be filled out, I have to supply my marriage certificate, divorce decree, baptism certificate, and it will cost $450.
It's a lot of stuff to drum up from my past. But I think it will be worth it. It will allow me to start with a clean slate. And then if/when I do become Catholic, I will be free to marry in the Church. That may or may not be Marty. I do hope it is, but I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for myself.
So I have to find witnesses to help validate the fact that my marriage should not be considered valid. I asked my friend Robin via email if she would consider being a witness for me. Even though we haven't talked in the last few years, she was there as my matron of honor and she got me through some tough times during the marriage.
I also need to tell Richard about doing this. I'm not sure I can handle telling him over the phone. I seem to bumble words when I don't get the chance to think about what I'm saying beforehand. (Like I did with Marty on the phone last night) So I think I'll write him a letter.

O.k. for a little clarification on Marty. The reason why he's not coming to Amarillo is because the company that books the travel for the military said it would be next to impossible to get him from Amarillo to Alaska without a lot of problems. To fly from Amarillo means layovers with some overnight stays and it would mean he'd have to leave even earlier. But it was also that he didn't want to spend a day driving up there.... so it is understandable and still frustrating. I don't mind going down to Austin to spend time with him as I was going to go anyways to pick him up. I'm working around it by kidnapping him for an evening that we'll have to ourselves. I think it will be great. I know he's been reconsidering things between us because he thinks that I'm not handling the distance very well... which is sort of true... I'm not handling it because he hasn't been really "in" to me for a while.. so it's a catch-22.
I know, I know... the red flags. O.k. for me, maybe they're more pink. If the visit next week doesn't go well, then I'll have to reconsider things. But I'm keeping a spark of optimism in my heart that we'll get on the right track. Is that so wrong?
Bottom line is that I still love him and I know he still loves me and I think we have something that shouldn't be discarded because of some sticky issues right now. Sure, the distance thing isn't helping, but I'm really, really trying to deal with it. Like Diana... I have a plan.

So wish me luck that in whatever happens that I find resolution. Hopefully it will be the way I want, and if not, I guess I'll live. Maybe. Probably. O.k. I will, but I won't like it... let's just keep thinking positive! Good thoughts, good thoughts.

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