Surviving

I'm here in Houston holed up in the Doubletree Hotel having room service. I ordered French Onion Soup and a Ceasar Salad, but they didn't bring me a spoon. But I managed. No crying today. Not even in the 3 hour drive from Austin to Houston. I thought about Marty, but it's really no use in dwelling on something I know I can't have. The drive wasn't as bad as I'd thought. Hit heavy traffic in Houston, but it wasn't difficult, just slow at times. Found the convention center, paid $7 to park and met my uncle. I didn't have a lot to do today. I don't know that he's getting his money's worth out of being here, but perhaps he'll get a lot of contacts that will order later. In case you're interested in his products you can check out his website. It is kind of strange to be in the midst of the NRA convention and I have never fired a gun. I'm not against them; I believe in the right to own a gun. I've just never been educated in them and I guess I'm kind of afraid of them. But I also have a great deal of respect for them. I believe it's true that it is people that kill people, not guns. But it's still not a place I'd ever really imagine being. I have gone to a gun show before though - with my ex-husband. I was always worried about him spending too much money on guns "I" didn't think he needed. But I know it's a guy thing and I probably should have been more understanding about it.
Speaking of my ex. I saw him last night. He drove up from San Antonio and went out to dinner with me. It was very nice of him. It was better than spending most of the night in the hotel crying over Marty. We went to Outback. I was starving. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. (Unless you count the peanuts for breakfast on the plane.) We caught up with each other, had some laughs. I found out that he's been reading my blog for a while. I didn't realize he had found it. (Not that it's difficult to find; there's a link on my yahoo profile.) I felt bad because of some of the things I've said about him in here. It came from a lot of bitterness and anger and though there's truth in it, I probably shouldn't have aired it like I have. He said it did hurt in reading some of it. I told him that now I finally got to a point where I feel like I can let go of the bitterness, because it really doesn't serve any purpose. I think I'm really learning and growing up and I think amazingly enough part of it is because of Marty.
But Richard also said that he would always love me. I think that is nice. Sometimes I can't imagine anyone wanting to love me. I know I'm difficult to love at times. But then there are times that I think I'm very deserving of love and am disappointed that I can't seem to find it.
In seeing Richard last night I realize how completely wrong we were for each other. Yes, we had some wonderful times together, but we truly had more misery it seemed. But it was strange to be crying to him over Marty and him trying to comfort me. But he was genuinely concerned and I truly appreciated it.
So I'm surviving now. I know there will be pangs of remorse from time to time and I'll deal with them as the come. For now I'm moving on with life.