A new day

Please pardon the pity parties I've been having. I'm in a funk and I'll get over it. Despite my blogs that act as if my world is going to come to an end, I know I'll manage and I'm working on ways to get out of this hole.
1. I want to keep my job. I'm afraid to go back into teaching. So, I'm going to work on getting new yearbook accounts though I hate sales as well. I'm going to incorporate the help of my current advisers to help me get in the door and we'll see what happens.
2. Even though I'm afraid to go back into teaching, I'm keeping the possibility open as it would give me more money and health insurance covering two of my biggest worries.
3. I'm going to work on the house during spring break and see if my dad will look into refinancing it and then incorporating a loan to pay off my credit cards into the house payment. (not a big possibility given that I've been late on his house payment now for two months)
4. I'm going to take Summer's advice and try to put some stuff on ebay.
5. I'm going to continue to apply for and look for a part time job in the evenings.
6. I'm going to quit trying to assume the worst. Yes, child support is behind and it's likely he doesn't have a job at the moment, but it's not to say he's not going to find something and I know that if/when he does get a job, he'll have to make up the child support and you never know when you'll get that extra check.
7. My tax refund should be here at any time and I can get caught up and start penny pinching a bit.
8. Spring is coming fast and my utility bills will go down for a bit and I can perhaps stay a little ahead of the game.
9. Going to deal with the bad days and move on.

Worries

You might say I worry too much. Sometimes I dream up things that haven't yet happened but have fears that they might. I don't care for surprises. Let me rephrase that. I don't care for bad surprises. Sending me flowers or cards etc. is always good. But I like to be prepared. I kick myself for not putting money into savings for emergencies. But I never really had all that much extra money. It always seemed to go somewhere. Other than Christmas, the most extravagant thing I bought this past year was a plane ticket to see Marty in Connecticut for $345. Beyond that I simply lived normally. If Josh needed new shoes, I'd buy them. I splurged $80 on clothes for myself. It's not like I had mounds of money left over each month, but it was enough to live well enough. But I should have put some of it away. Because now I'm stuck and that's just the start of my worries. Let me share with you.

I worry about having enough money to pay the bills and get caught up.

I worry that my already bad credit (thanks to my divorce) is going to get worse.

I worry that I won't be able to find a second part time job or a new job in order to make enough money.

I worry about how much I may have screwed up raising Josh as a single parent. I know he has anger management issues that should be dealt with but I can't afford counseling for him.

I worry about my health. Overall I'm doing o.k. and my weight loss is going slow, but going. But not having health insurance scares me. I worry that I haven't had a female check-up in two years. Knowing the health history in my family (Both my mom & sister had hysterectomys before they were 36) I'm worried that by the time I can get health insurance it may be too late.

I'm worried about my car. So far it still gets me from point A to B, but things are falling apart. It's getting leaks and making sounds that it shouldn't. Given the amount of miles I have to put on it, I'm worried that it will fall apart (with my luck in the middle of nowhere) and I'll be stuck.

I'm worried about my house. It's nice to have a roof over my head and a house payment (though I'm a month behind at this point) that is normally affordable. But I have a sewer line that needs to be dug up, heating and air that is costing me a fortune in utility bills, and other miscellaneous repairs that need to be done.

I worried about my relationship with Marty. I wonder if he's going to really see me for who I am and say "I don't need this." I wonder how he could possibly love someone like me that is insecure, worries too much, and is never satisfied. I worry that the year in Alaska will take it's toll and I won't be able to handle it.

I worry about my spirituality. Though for the first time in a very long time an interest is sparked, I worry whether I can follow through with it. My shyness is preventing me from leaping in. I still question a lot of things and am just not sure about it all.

And to sum it all up, I'm worried about being so worried.

Overwhelmed

I just feel overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin. It's been a long time since I've been in this state. Wondering where my life is going and what's going to happen. Being the type of person I am that insists on knowing everything at every moment makes all this difficult. Sometimes I think things will be o.k. and at other times I truly wonder. I question everything and am never satisfied. I hate that I don't have the answers.
I'm sorry. I'm having a self-pity moment. I hope it will pass soon.
I'm a strong person. I know this. I know I'll manage somehow. But sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "I give up!"
The one person I really want to talk to and let all my frustrations and fears out to is out of reach. And I feel quite alone.
Don't get me wrong. I have a few friends. O.k. one or two that live here and then my handful of online friends. Summer & Grumpy have been wonderful offering me their thoughts and support. And it is so very much appreciated. And it does help.
But when I'm sitting here crying for the 4th or 5th time this week, I don't know what to do.
Yeah, just get over it. Suck it up. Deal with it.
Easier said than done.

Doing the Math

I've been trying to figure out my finances. Right now if I weren't $1000 behind on bills and was completely caught up, I could pay my bills and buy groceries and have about $10 to spare for emergencies. This is until about June when I no longer have my cousin living with me and paying me $290 a month. Then, I'll be $280 behind. This does not take into account paying for Josh's band camp, buying reeds, haircuts, shoes, clothes etc. God forbid we might need any kind of medical care. If I get my income tax return I can get caught up, but will fall behind as other things will certainly pop up.
Right now I'm applying for part time jobs and working on my resume for a possible teaching position.
I guess I was taking my financial position for granted. When I had extra money I spent it. I took vacations, decorated my house, and enjoyed it. It wasn't always a lot of money, but it was enough to live a "normal" life. I'm not sure what that is any more.
Guess I'm learning yet another life lesson. Thought I already learned that one after being on welfare for four years. At least then I had food stamps and medicaid for health care. It seems when you actually go to work, it simply doesn't pay.

Gimme a break, would ya?

Most of my loyal readers are quite aware of my financial strain at the moment as I seem to bitch about it regularly. I thought perhaps, just maybe I could get a break. Wishful thinking.
Went to Sunray today. Headed back to Amarillo through Dumas as one usually would do and made a decision to take a road I hadn't gone down before because it was closer to the edge of town and I would avoid more traffic. As I'm driving I'm actually thinking.. "mmm I wonder what the speed limit is?" As soon as that thought pops into my head and I'm driving about 40 mph I see a lovely police officer and the sign that says it's 30 mph. "Darn it". (Though that's not actually the phrase that popped into my head, but I'm trying to keep this journal kind of nice.)
Get pulled over. And OF COURSE I don't have my driver's license because I think my bank stole it. He gave me a ticket for speeding but not the driver's license. I cried until I was about half-way to Amarillo. It just seems to pile on. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. I'm really hoping that the 30 mph sign I did see was the only one on that road. Because if it is, I'm going to fight the ticket. It wasn't posted until a good mile down and the officer clocked me at 40 before I even got to that sign. If not, well, I'm screwed and I'll ask the judge to let me serve jail time or something in lieu of the court costs and fine. I simply cannot afford it right now.
Last night Josh informed me that he lost the check I wrote for his lessons so if it's not found I'll have to put a stop payment on that. (Another $14) He comes home today telling me that he thinks someone took his clarinet by accident after school. Given that they all have the same case it wouldn't be a surprise that it happenedby accident and I really hope that's the case.
Since I can't find my license I'm going to have to get it replaced.
And still no child support. No surprise there.
I hate being a grown-up. I wonder if there's any way I could run away from home.

I'm so very tired

It's been a long day. I stayed up last night working on an application for teaching. I'm not quite ready to turn it in, but thought I should perhaps start working on it. I guess I'm going to wait and see how things turn out, but I'm not hopeful. If it really looks like I won't get child support for a while or if it's reduced considerably, then I'll have to talk to my boss about it. It's doubtful that he can make up what I could make teaching.
There's a lot of reasons why going back to teaching would be good. Less travel. Save money on gas. Health insurance. More money. Still have summers off.
But I'd hate it. I shouldn't be so damned pessimistic, but five years of junior high kids really took it's toll. Perhaps high school really would be different. Problem is that there wouldn't be a great deal of availablity in my teaching choices. I absolutely refuse to teach English though I am certified. If I had to go back to teaching, I have to have some standards.
But I also really like my current job. It has a great deal of flexibility, lots of creativity is involved and all my advisers really love me and think I'm wonderful. Going into teaching you deal with kids that could care less about you and the class and are out to make your life as miserable as possible. Maybe it's all in the attitude, but I've been out there. I know.
So I tried to sleep in this morning after staying up until 1:30, but didn't really work. Went to my schools then my aerobics class. It kicked my butt today because I was so tired. So I came home, had some leftovers, watched CSI, and am sitting in bed pondering my financial woes. But I'm almost too tired to think. I think it's time to get some sleep.

Well It Was Almost a Good Day

I was on the verge of having a pretty decent day. I was beginning to be full of hope. Let me fill you in. Despite having to work all day traveling approximately 160 miles I got home around 3:30. Despite being tired, I actually cleaned the house in anticipation of my cousin coming over for dinner and a movie. Out of the blue I get a call from Marty. Quite unexpected, but pleasant none-the-less. He had to come to Walmart in town to get a lint brush for his uniform. (He only gets a signal in town.) We only chatted for a few minutes, but it felt "normal". He's starting to sound like the old Marty again. I know he's still stressed and all, but I'm trying to be understanding and give him space as needed. I started re-reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." I read a few years ago and thought it was interesting but this time it's starting to make more sense as Marty is definitely from Mars.
So my cousin came over and I made dinner. (Cashew Chicken and it was very tasty TYVM)
We watched the movie "Love Actually". I hadn't seen it. But I loved it. It was a kind of feel good, chick flick movie that I needed. So I'm in a hopeful mood. Things are looking up. Perhaps I was just going through a phase or something.

Then the shit hits the fan so to speak. I've been trying to get information about Josh's dad and the situation with child support. I finally get a response from his soon to be ex-wife. It's not promising. Turns out that his probation officer in DFW area doesn't want his case any more. I didn't realize that one could simply do that. I don't know the reasoning behind it. But because he also has charges from this county he's being forced to move up here. Yes, that's right. He's moving here. I'm not worried about him being in the area, per se, because he is not allowed to have contact with me. But this means he's probably out of a job and I can say good-bye to any hopes of child support any time soon. This means I'm going to either have to get a second job or go back to teaching. So much for needing a new car. I'm going to have to try to figure out how to cut expenses. There's really not much more that I can cut.

Is it possible to ever just have a really nice day?

Weighing in on Wednesday

No loss today, but no gain either so I'm happy to report last weeks scale at 176.5 wasn't a fluke.
I've been behaving, mostly. Except for this morning. I had an hour and fifteen minutes to kill between schools and not enough money for Subway. So I went to Sonic and ordered French toast sticks. (It's all Marty's fault) And I didn't get to aerobics yesterday because of having to go to a school that I hadn't planned on and needing to go to the grocery store and then an evening visit for another school. Yeah, I know. Excuses, excuses.
Tonight my cousin is coming over to watch a movie and have dinner. I think I'll make chicken cashew.

I did it

Well, I did it. I sent an email to the local Catholic church asking about their RCIA classes. I'm still not 100% certain of it all, but felt compelled to do it. After all it's just a question. Doesn't mean I have to do anything yet. I've just been putting off the question for a while now. But I've continued to be drawn to it all. I'm even participating in Lent to some degree.

Marty surprised me the other day saying he was going to go to Mass on Sunday. He didn't make it, but the fact that he said he was going to go really put a little pep in my heart. He's been lapsed for quite a long time now and wasn't even confirmed. I know he's been thinking about going back to the Church too. Perhaps that is the reason we've been drawn together. Sometimes I call it fate or destiny, but I think that perhaps it's the Man upstairs doing His part.

I've been away from church in general for about 14 years now. I've been soured by a lot things like hypocrisy, questioning they why's, and the fact it's a heck of a lot easier to live in sin than it is to be perfect. I'm finally realizing though that I don't have to be perfect because we're simply human. But I also understand that I should live better than what I have. I still have an attachment to sin which makes things more difficult for me, but I still think it's something I should look back into.

Since I started this journey, I have found that there isn't anything in the Catholic teaching that I can't agree with. There are some things I know I'll have a hard time dealing with, but overall it just seems right.

One of my biggest questions regarding religion has been "Who's right?" Among all the denominations who truly has the right answers. For me it's a matter of going back to the beginning. The Catholic Church is the original church of Christ. All the other Christian denominations are from people that broke from the Church thinking they knew better. So for me it's not a matter of which Church any more. It's a matter of whether I can embrace Church life or not. It's also a matter of whether I can get an anullment on my marriage.

So I've taken another step. The first was having the simple curiosity about the church followed by my research. We'll see where it all leads.

Feeling Better

Marty called me yesterday. I was shocked. Two calls in three days. We actually talked for quite a while. At least an hour. I made him a little mad because I wouldn't listen to him. I explained that simply telling me to not do something without a reason is a moot point. I'm the kind of person that if you want to tell me not to do something, you better give me good reasons for it.
I told him that if I had the money I was going to head to California during spring break to see him. He didn't want me to spend the money to see him. I told that since I don't have the money it's not something I could do, but if I did and after I paid my bills I might do it. We went round and round on this for a while. I made him very frustrated and I was frustrated too, but I think he understood that I just really needed to see him. I told him that I would wait and see which is all I can do anyways, but if I came to see him in either California or Connecticut would be dependent upon how much time he's going to have in Texas before going to Alaska. He said he understood that.
I have a feeling he's realizing now what he's gotten himself in to. I told him that I gave him fair warning explaining what I was like and that I'm a difficult person to love sometimes. He told me that he was sure he could handle it. I wonder if he still feels this way.
It's not that I like being insecure and questioning everything and tormenting him. (O.k. maybe I like tormenting a little)
I have to quit being so damn selfish. I read a blog today that really summed it all up.
Will quote from Martha Martha's blog:

Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.
~ HenriNouwen society

Ain't that the truth?

Absolutely Nothing

That's what I did today. Well, almost nothing I guess. I read most of the day. Watched t.v. Surfed the web. Loaded the dishwasher. Made supper. And that's it. I hardly moved moved from my bed at all. I felt like such a lazy bum today. I have tomorrow off as well. My goal tomorrow is to get the house clean. I have company coming over on Wednesday. My cousin. We're going to have supper and watch a movie.
I want to cut my hair again. Well, have it cut. I'm too broke, though, so I guess that's probably good. It's just getting to a stage that it just doesn't do much. I'd love to go a lot shorter but am worried it wouldn't look good. I tend to want to cut my hair when I'm worried about other things. I want change. And when I can't do something major like head out to California, my next best bet is to change my hair.

Finally

Well, I finally heard from Marty. He called me today. I guess I feel a little better about things. At first I thought that I was just going to stay upset because he still wouldn't say anything other than "I don't know what to tell you." I understand he's been under a lot of stress and he just hasn't had time but I explained that I can't be put on the backburner. All he has to do is let me know that things are o.k. once in a while. I know it's difficult for him as a man to be open or share anything. And the fact that he's stressed means that he just shuts down. I don't know why that is. I guess I need to read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" again. Maybe I need to send it to him. If I had the money, time and a car that would make it, I'd head out there to see him. I wish there was something I could do to alleviate his stress. But there's nothing. That's difficult for someone like me that always wants to "fix" everything.
I guess the best thing I can do is leave him be and try not to get upset. I'll work on that. But it may be impossible.

Nothing New

Nothing new to report. Still haven't heard from Marty. Josh stayed home sick for the second day. Visited two schools today. At the second school I got into a long conversation with the adviser about joining the Catholic Church. She said that she thought I should just jump right in a do it. I guess I'm still not ready. I'll probably wait until after Easter some time. Those that are coming into the church are usually confirmed at Easter Vigil. I'll check into the RCIA program this summer perhaps. I'm thinking it's something I'm supposed to do.
Talked to Marty's sister-in-law online last night. (His brother's wife) Told her how I was feeling about things with Marty. She said something that I didn't really care to hear, but am thinking it's true none-the-less. She said that he'd always have feelings for his ex-wife and that I should accept that. I just don't know if I can. If he's always going to have feelings for her, why did they get divorced? I know. Because she wanted it. He never really did, he just accepted it. And therein lies the problem. It's something I just don't understand and I don't know HOW to deal with it. I don't like to share. I'm selfish. Is that so wrong?
One of the songs I sent Marty on the CD was Faith Hill's "It Will Be Me". This song really seems to stick with me and seems to say everything I'm feeling. I'll share the lyrics with you.

When you start falling
Who's gonna catch ya
I'm willing to betcha
It will be me

Who's gonna love ya
Like there's no other
Search and discover
It will be me

When all the others
Have gone and hurt you
Who won't desert you
It will be me

Weighing the options
So much to think of
But when you think love
It will be me

Chorus:
You may not see it now
Love is strange that way
But someday, someway
Baby somehow

When you've been broken
And dreams don't oblige ya
Who's that beside ya
Oh, it will be me

(chorus)

Who'll be your only
True romancer
You know the answer
It will be me

What will it take to
Bring you to your senses
And finally convince you
It will be me

I want to be there for him. I want to be the one that loves him like he's never been loved before. I want to share my life with him. I want the happily ever after. I want him to depend on me and love me completely.
I guess I may be asking for too much, huh?

Still in the Dark

I haven't talked to Marty since Monday. I missed IM's from him when I went to aerobics class. I guess he can sporadically get internet access once in a while. He said he'd call this weekend when he went to town.
I still don't know what's going on with him or with us. I still have my doubts and fears and can't do anything about them.
I'm thinking about getting my hair cut again. Well, all I can do is think about it. I have to make $15 last another two weeks. Still no child support. It's been a long time since I've been this broke. And thanks to my mind being in a fog, my tax refund will be delayed. I thought I'd get them sent in so I could use the money to catch up on bills. But one of them was sent back because I forgot to sign it. The other probably wasn't signed either and I'll probably get it in the mail too.
Tell me that things are going to look up soon. My hope is fading really fast.

Weigh-in Week 4

It's a good day. Scale showed 176.5. (I got on about 5 times to make sure as sometimes it gives me a false reading) So that's down 3 lbs. from the last weigh-in. That brings me to a total of 6 lbs. lost total. I'm feeling pretty good about that. I hope the reading was accurate.
I've behaved pretty well. So far I've only cheated twice (McD's once and Thai Kitchen take-out). I've rarely eaten past 7:30. I have had absolutely no alcohol which is probably a very good thing. I missed aerobics twice last week because I was sick, but hope to add some walking soon and make up for it. I'm trying to decide what my reward should be when I lose the first 10 lbs. Well, I'm off to visit another school.

exhausted

It's been a long day. Visited 4 schools, drove about 200 miles, went to the music store, then my aerobics class. I worked up a really good sweat today. I don't know if it was because I missed last week or what. But I pushed myself a little harder hoping to reap the benefits. I even ate before 7:30 tonight. Had soup and some crackers.
I was hoping to talk to Marty, but it's doubtful he'll get to call tonight. He has to go to town to get a good signal. He doesn't have internet access either. Here's the start of a very, very long year.
I do still feel a little better about us. Definitely not 100%, but better. I have hope. And I could use some chocolate.

Looking on the bright side of things

Well, I got the waterbed situation taken care of. (I hope!) It's patched and refilled and warming up. I think I've got almost every extra blanket on it right now since it will take a few days for the water to get warmed back up. I took Josh out for a Valentine's dinner because after dealing with the bed all day there was no way I was going to cook.
So, on the bright side:

I have nice clean sheets and comfortor to sleep on tonight.
My room is now clean where you can walk in there without stepping on things or stubbing your toes. (like I did yesterday)
I've gotten lots of laundry put away and have clothes to wear tomorrow.
I have a boyfriend that sent me roses for Valentine's day and he still loves me though I'm still thinking he's got a lot on his mind or something like that.

So, despite the problems of today, I can't really complain too much.

Maybe things are o.k.

He did it. He sent me flowers. Of course this time he knew when to do it. And I needed them today. I really, really needed them. It's been a horrible day, until now. Of course I'm crying because it's all overwhelming at the moment. But it will settle down. Let me share my day with you.
Woke up at 5 a.m. in a coughing fit. Got up for a bit and went back to bed at 5:45. Heard a dripping sound around 7:45. Thought I might have left the faucet on or something. No such luck. Turns out my waterbed sprung a leak. (Don't laugh, I happen to LOVE my waterbed - that is until today.) Wondering how the heck this happened. But first had to scurry to get towels because despite having a liner that is "supposed" to hold all the water, it, too has a bit of a leak. Found the leak and it was in a place that couldn't be fixed until the bed was mostly drained. The only hose I have is about 1000 feet long. (o.k. that might be an exaggeration) I have absolutely no idea where my patch kit is. I have to wait until Walmart opens at 9:00 and go get a shorter hose and hopefully a patch kit. Found a 10 foot extension hose that was pefect, but no waterbed patch kit. I know they used to have waterbed stuff, but I guess they really are going out of style. So I come home, start the draining process. Then I decide to do some cleaning since the day in bed is shot. My hand gets pinched in the folding attic stairs when I had to go up and get some boxes. Now I have a blood blister on my palm. An area of my floor in the bedroom is now soaking wet. I finally figure out that if I put pans down to catch the water that is dripping it is much better. I head to Amarillo to get a patch kit. Come home. Put the patch on. Use up all my towels soaking up water. Have to wait 8 hours before I can fill my bed again. In the meantime, it's still not fully drained because it's one of those beds that has the foamy stuff inside so it's not full motion. I've done the best I can to get the water up from the liner and bottom of the mattress, but without some major muscle, I can't get all of it. I'll try to get Josh to help me when he gets home.
I was beginning to doubt whether Marty would have remembered to do something for Valentine's day. But sure enough, as soon as I was distracted and on the phone, the doorbell rang. A dozen roses. The card said "I love you. Happy Valentine's day." And I'm so thankful for it. It's not the flowers per se... though they are indeed beautiful, but it truly is the thought that counts. I needed to know that I'm still loved given all the crazy thoughts I've had lately. So maybe things aren't as screwy as I thought. Maybe there is some hope. Maybe I really can believe in love again.

He did very well.

Men Suck

I don't know what it is about them. They don't seem to understand or pick up on anything. Marty was nice enough to call and let me know he made it to California. And that's it. He'll call me tomorrow. No mention of the CD, the letters, my feelings, his feelings, anything. I guess he either didn't listen to it or he did and it didn't have any effect on him.
I hate, hate, hate this. I hate the fact that he WON'T talk to me. He won't open up. He won't let me open up to him. And when I do, he says nothing. Things are going to have to change.
I just can't stand this anymore. It really, really sucks. Or have I said that before?

Another Sunday

Well Marty is on his way to California. And I'm still in the dark. I don't know if he listened to the CD. I don't know where I stand. I don't know what's wrong. I did send him a link to yesterday's blog. I don't know when and if he'll have internet access though. He said he'd call me when he got to his station.
Today I have to figure out which bills to pay. I should clean my house and do laundry. I'm just not in the mood really.
Well, Josh's computer has a virus so I have to share mine now. Guess I'll keep it short today. I really don't know what else to say anyways.

It's not my imagination

I've been posting several blogs about Marty and my frustrations. I wanted to post something a little more positive. I'm going to share with you snippits of conversations and lines that he has said to me while chatting. These are things that made me feel good. I guess it will be "The good ol' days". Most of these are his words (in quotation marks). Anything from me is in pink.

"I would think you look good no matter what"

"hey beautiful what's up"

"just seeing you will help"

annabel_lee_tx (10:26:28 PM): so anything special you want to do while you're here this time?
"spend time with you
that is special to me
anything you want to do"

"just looking at you
it's got me all excited"

"no jerk should treat you that way"

"no but I'm willing to give you a tounge bath"

"you can push my buttons anytime"

"did I tell you I hate this distance thing"

"well, you should know that Shawn says she thinks this is the happiest she has seen me in years"

"yes, but I'm willing to try if you are"

"I'm having trouble seeing the screen "
annabel_lee_tx (7:22:55 PM): why is that?
mullog (7:23:14 PM): "that is the first poem anybody has ever written for me"
mullog (7:23:30 PM): "they seem to be leaking"
annabel_lee_tx (7:23:51 PM): awwwww..... I didn't think it would have that effect
mullog (7:24:16 PM): "I had a rough day and that is just what I need"

"I really want to be back there
hugging your shirt just isn't the same without you in it"

"we have to stop thinking about that and starting thinking about the next time we can be together"

"even as bad as my day a work was everytime I thought of you I smiled"

annabel_lee_tx (9:28:56 PM):what did you think of my journals
mullog (9:30:46 PM): "they are great it's like being able to read your mind in a way"
mullog (9:31:43 PM): "and I like what I'm reading"
mullog (9:33:44 PM): "listen to the heart the heart is good"

“well when I find something I want as bad as I want you I put my whole heart into it”

"run away with me and live happily ever after in the woods"

"Did I tell you that I haven't been this happy since Sarah was born."

"I have been waithing for you for a long time and I didn'g know it until Feb. when I was there
I was willing to wait and see what happened, I'm glad it happened sooner then later"

"I'd much rather talk to you"

"we'll just work on these things one at a time and then we can be together"

"you can come up here and snuggle"

"I know but it just make our time together that much sweeter"

"I want to show you off"

"just being with you would be enough"

"it gives me a warm feeling all over to know tha you are reading my mind"

"good morning beautiful"

"you just need to find the right person and it will last
only if it's with me"

annabel_lee_tx (9:28:56 PM):I believe it when you call me beautiful
mullog (10:55:20 PM): you should, you are very beautiful
annabel_lee_tx (10:55:40 PM): thank you
mullog (10:56:00 PM): no thank you
mullog (10:56:25 PM): for wanting to be with a goof like me

"you are the last thought before I go to sleep and the first thing in the morning"

"I'm gonna have to marry you to get rid of all of these guys
annabel_lee_tx (9:37:01 PM): lol, think that will help?
mullog (9:37:37 PM): no but I'm willing to try
annabel_lee_tx (9:37:52 PM): is that the only reason you want to marry me?
mullog (9:38:38 PM): no you are the only reason"

"I'm very happy
and wish I was there"

"yes, if you want me
Yes I do, now and forever if you'll let me"

"you are the best girlfriend"

"yes and no I'm not very good at the romance stuff, it's something I want to fix about myself. More now that I'm with you, than ever before"

"I told you I don't need space I need you"

"I'm not letting you go anytime soon
or ever if I have my way"

"I know I don't want to share you with anyone"

"have I told you you have beautiful eyes
I think you might be the reason that I really like women with dark hair and light colored eyes"

"and I sleep better when i'm next to you"

"I have to get out of the Coast Guard and start the Jennifer Guard"

"of course I'm smiling I have you"

"ok as long as you are there I'll go anywhere, I miss you ,and I love you"

"you can have your mind in the gutter as long as you are thinking of me"

"just keep loving me and you can't fuck it up"

"becuse you are the most important thing in my life"

"love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you"

annabel_lee_tx (9:32:43 PM): I'm serious though... I can be a hard person to love
mullog (9:32:57 PM): that's ok
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:01 PM): I may not be worth the effort
mullog (9:33:08 PM): I think I can handle it
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:22 PM): can I quote you on that later?
mullog (9:33:30 PM): yes
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:52 PM): you may eat those words
mullog (9:34:55 PM): words are less fattening then pizza

mullog (9:36:53 PM): it's no fun to go to bed without you
mullog (9:36:58 PM): wish you were here
annabel_lee_tx (9:37:38 PM): I wish I were there too
annabel_lee_tx (9:38:48 PM): are you having problems sleeping because I'm not there?
mullog (9:39:04 PM): yes, I think so
mullog (9:39:09 PM): I miss you that much

mullog (10:06:00 PM): well I was just thinking about you
mullog (10:06:07 PM): and how much I love you

"I'm in this for the long haul too, I love you and am willing to meet you halfway"

The thing is that all of these kinds of things stopped at the end of September. Perhaps it's been the stress of going to Alaska or something. All I know is that things aren't the same. I know that relationships change, but I think that it's something more. I tend to blame myself when things go wrong, but I think it's more than just me. But something is definitely wrong. And it makes me sad.
I wasn't ready to fall in love again. I tried to fight it. But it happened. I couldn't help it. And so I fell. And I fell hard. Why does it have to be so complex and hurt so much? Isn't being in love supposed to make you happy? I want the old Marty back. The one that said things like he used to. The one that loved me with all his heart. The one that said I was the most important thing to him. I just know that I'm not up there any more and it hurts. Why DO fools fall in love? Am I fooling myself?

Made it through the week

Well I'm glad the week is over. I started getting sick but it didn't get too bad. Felt kind of bad earlier in the week on Tuesday and Wednesday but never got the total crud. Kind of got a scratchy, weak voice right now, but I can't complain too much. I was almost hoping to be too sick to work, but no such luck. I planned to take Monday off, Valentine's day, just in case someone wanted to send me flowers or something. Though I'm not going to hold my breath. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but his track record hasn't been so good.
I sent him a package that was delivered on Wednesday. And he didn't really acknowledge it. I had to ask if he got it, if he liked what I sent. He said it was nice but he hadn't listened to the CD. I guess I understand that he's barely been home and he has to get ready to leave on Saturday, but I'm a bit put out because I spent a lot of time putting it together for him. I made him a CD of songs that had special meaning to me and were an indication of my feelings for him. I even printed out the lyrics and wrote a message on each of them. But he hasn't made the time to listen. Given that I'm already wondering where I rank in the scheme of things, I'm not hopeful about things right now. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Problem is that I just don't know.
I thought about giving him up for Lent. Don't laugh. What I mean is that I would stop calling him. I would let him call me. I would let him be in charge of the relationship. I think I'm too focused on where things are and where they're going. But I'm not sure I'm ready for that. You know me, always having to KNOW everything.
I guess I really am a drama queen.

Squirrels

I spent a couple of hours this afternoon at the park. I had some time to kill between schools and it seemed ridiculous to go home and back to Amarillo again. I brought books with me so I wouldn’t get bored.
I spent a good portion of time watching the squirrels. It’s amazing how watching them just brings a smile to my face. I had some trail mix in my car so I would periodically throw some out so they could get it. It was funny to watch them get a piece and then scurry up the tree to eat it. Then they would sneak down and get another piece. If it was one of the bigger pieces of fruit, they would find a spot and bury it. I wonder how they find those spots again. Do they have an acute sense of smell? Is it by the way they pack the dirt? Do they leave their scent? It’s just amazing to me. I saw one squirrel with a brown paper sack. It was funny to watch him scamper across the ground with it. Eventually he took it up the tree, jumping from limb to limb until he got to his tree and took it up to his nest. I guess it could have been a her with a nest.
It’s amazing how spending an afternoon watching the squirrels can be so peaceful and for a few moments, I put all the stress of life behind me.

Wednesday Weigh-In

Well I'm up a pound today. 179.5 Which I guess is o.k. I didn't go to aerobics yesterday since I was getting sick and didn't feel good. I'm sure the chinese take-out didn't help either.
I won't let it get me down though.
Now I just want to get over being sick, but have a feeling that this is just the beginning.

Lent

Though I am not yet a practicing Catholic, I'm wondering if I should participate in Lent. I'm still considering conversion, but haven't taken much action on it other than reading at this point. But giving up something for Lent would probably be a good thing.
I could cheat and say I am giving up sex, but since that's not a possibility anyways, it wouldn't count. I think I may just continue on my "plan" and keep giving up fast food and alcohol. (Though I did cheat some today - but I am sick so that's my excuse.)

Question for my readers:
If you are Catholic, what are you doing for Lent?
If you're not, but were, what would you give up for Lent?

It's something I'll think about and maybe decide this evening. Right now I'm going back to bed. I'm getting sick, it's in my throat and I'm getting achy. Not good signs.

Falling off the wagon

I knew today was going to be a bad day because I had a tornado dream last night. Generally I don't put much stock into dream interpretation, but I know when I have a tornado dream something is not right in my world. A disturbance of some sort.
I was right on.
I left bright and early this morning at 7:45 to head to Dumas. Once I got to the north end of Amarillo I realized that my car was making a funny noise and driving kind of weird. I had a flat tire. I pull off and think "Great, just what I need. Guess it's time to learn how to change a tire." Well, I soon realize I have no jack.
So I call my dad. He doesn't answer. I've pulled off on a road that doesn't have much in the way of traffic which is good and bad. Of the three cars that did exit, none stopped. Luckily my dad calls me back and I tell him what's going on. He was just getting dressed but said he'd head my way. So I sit. And I call my schools to let them know I'm not going to make it. And I sit. Then I clean up the trash in the car. And I sit. So I start reading my car manual. I found out that I do, indeed, have a jack, but it's hidden underneath the well. Call my dad to let him know as he was going to get a new jack to bring. He's already on his way. So about an hour later he gets there and gets the tire changed for me. I shouldn't have been so helpless, but it was cold and I had my good clothes on.
So I head on over to Discount Tire to see about getting it fixed. It's ruined. Luckily it was covered under warranty, but then I still have to pay for the new warranty and lifetime rotation. That was $21.
So then I head to Adrian 40 miles away. No adviser. Nobody. Wasted trip.
So I head back to Amarillo. Go to Walmart. Stand in line at the service desk to find out if I can write checks. Only way for them to know is for me to buy something and write a check. So I go get some gum and a candy bar writing a check for $1.43. It's rejected. Ask what I can do to get this cleared. Wait to speak to someone else. Finally explain the situation and am told that they can clear it in the system, but it will take one or two days before checks can be written. Who needed groceries anyways?
So I head back home and that's where I fell off the wagon. (O.k. maybe I jumped) I went to Thai Kitchen and got take-out. But I've promised myself to not eat supper tonight.
And I'm seriously thinking about going back to bed right now.

Here's Something

O.k. here's something I DO feel strongly about. Concert Etiquette.
I have spent more than half my life involved in music concerts. (I'm talking about band, orchestra, choir, ensembles etc. - not a rock fest) Whether playing in a concert, attending a concert, monitoring a concert, whatever. I can't stand it when people have absolutely no concert etiquette. I know a lot of them just don't know any better. So I'm here to educate my many, many (3 or 4) readers.

1. Never walk into a concert while a group is performing. Wait between pieces. Same for leaving. It's best to be on time.
2. ALWAYS turn your cell phones and other noise makers off.
3. Don't bring small children with you to a concert. Find a baby sitter or don't go. If you absolutely MUST bring a child, if that child starts crying, immediately take the child out. (Exception to rule 1)
4. Do not wear hats into the auditorium. I know it's a bit old-fashioned, but it does really offend people.
5. If a piece has more than one movement, DO NOT clap between movements.
6. If it is a single movement, clap only when the conductor puts his baton down.
7. Don't open candy during a concert.
8. Don't talk. (You would think this would be obvious)
9. Don't put your feet up on the chairs in front of you or kick the chairs in front of you.
10. If you have a bad cough, you shouldn't go to the concert. Either have a cough drop in your mouth or stay outside until you get it under control.
11. Don't bring food or drinks into a concert.
12. Dress appropriately. Sometimes it's just fine to be casual. Generally when you're going to performances at a local college or something. But if you're going to a Symphony, you should be dressed up to some degree.

Josh and I went to concerts yesterday and today. Yesterday I had to deal with talking child that was kicking my chair behind me. Today I kept hearing the auditorium doors opening and closing during a very slow, quiet piece. And they were trying to get a good recording of the concert today. It really grated on my nerves.

O.k. I guess I do care about some things.

Apathy

I wonder why it is that I simply don't care much about very many topics. I've been randomly checking out blogs by clicking "next" on them. It seems everyone has an opinion about something. Mostly political I guess. I just really don't care. I know I should have an opinion and care about the world I live in. I should be able to take a stand on things, but I just like living in my own little space. Give me my paycheck, my freedom to spend it, let me choose who my friends are and leave me alone!

Here's what I do feel:
Abortion is wrong, but it's not for me to decide whether someone can have one or not.

The education system needs reform and teachers should be paid a lot more. Schools need to go back to swats.

The death penalty is just when there's no doubt of a person's guilt.

The welfare system is good thing, but it's not designed to help people get OFF of welfare.

Health insurance should be more affordable and there should be limits to malpractice suits.

Smoking should be banned in all public places. I don't mean to offend smokers out there, but it's my lungs that are affected as well when I have to share a space with smokers. After watching my mother die of lung cancer, I don't want to follow in her footsteps. Smoking is a choice despite it being an addiction.

Despite my opinions on these topics, they're not something that I will go on rants about. I generally will respectfully disagree with an opposing viewpoint. Maybe it's my passive, shy personality that makes me this way. Maybe I am just truly apathetic to it all. I guess I sit here in my own little world and as long as it doesn't affect me, I don't bother with it. Sad, perhaps, but the truth.

Nothing Much

Not much to tell about today. Slept late. Got up and went to the store to get milk and a newspaper. Finished my book. Read the paper. Worked on Marty's Valentine's present so I can get it in the mail tomorrow. Took Josh the WT Orchestra concert. Came home. Worked on present some more. Made dinner (spaghetti). Watched the Monk marathon. (No, I didn't watch the Superbowl) Got on the computer. Avoided laundry today. Am going to go put a load in so Josh will have clothes tomorrow.
Marty called to tell me that his truck is stuck in the snow at his ex-wife's house and he's staying there tonight. On the couch of course. But it's still bothersome. As much as I hate him being gone to Alaska for a year, it will be a relief.
Well, off to get the laundry started and probably to bed soon.

Another day

Josh made a "I" (one) on his solo. He was the only clarinet player to play a class "I" solo which is the difficulty level assigned to it. Basically he's playing what someone in high school would be playing. He's so talented. And yes, I'm biased, but it's also true given the compliments I hear about him.
Didn't do much today. Took my cousin to his defensive drive class. Took Josh to play his solo. Went to the grocery store and spent my last $20 on food. Watched t.v. Picked my cousin up from defensive driving. Started reading a book. Made supper. Got on computer.
Still haven't heard from Marty today and he didn't call me last night either. He could be upset with me since he might have checked the blog out yesterday (not sure on that), or I could be right in that I'm not much in his thoughts lately. Don't know. It hurts, but what can I do? I wasn't going to call him, but found myself dialing his number at home. No answer. He must be out with his other family.
Yes, I'm being a bit snippy, but I can't help it. I'm frustrated and can't do anything about it. To quote Summer today... GRRRRRRR.

Survived

Well, I survived the concession stand. Got slammed at times, but good money was rolling in. Heard lots of good things about Josh. How talented he is, how he plays musically.
I have to take him to get a dress shirt tomorrow. He plays his solo at 10:30. I'd listen to it tomorrow, but I'd be too nervous. He played it for me tonight. He's an 8th grader playing a class one solo. (The most difficult in high school level).
Was pleased to watch a new episode of Monk. A little upset that Marty has not called me at all today and I'm guessing I won't get a call from him tonight either. Oh well. I better finish up his Valentine's day gift and send it early since he's leaving in a week to go to California.
Have to take my cousin to defensive driving tomorrow.
Better get to bed.
BTW... thanks for the supportive comments on my blog. They really do help. I know I'm in a kind of funk at the moment. It happens. It will pass. I'll get over it - eventually.

Here I go "Thinking" again

Still not a good day. I've been thinking about Marty some, but trying not to as it just seems to depress me.
I'm more worried about my financial situation right now. Given the situation with Josh's dad, I really don't know if I can count on child support much longer. If I don't have child support I can still live, but just barely. I definitely can't plan on getting a new car. So if the transmission in mine goes out, I'm pretty screwed. If I can't count on child support, I'm thinking about whether I should consider a new job. I do really like my job. It offers a great deal of flexibility. It isn't too demanding. I make my own schedule. I can be creative in it and feel a great deal of appreciation from my advisers. But the pay is a lot less than I can make teaching. Is it worth more money to have more stress? If teaching wasn't so horrible, I'd consider it much more. I know things haven't gotten better as I visit schools on a daily basis. If I taught in Amarillo I could make $6000 more a year than I am now. That's about $400 more a month after taxes and I could get health insurance. Sure I'd be paying about $250 a month for insurance to cover Josh, but I'd still come out ahead especially with a lot less money spent on travel. But I would be miserable. I've thought about getting certified as a librarian by going back to school, but it just seems impossible. a. I don't have time to study to take the GRE b. Even if I did have time to study, I don't have the money for school c. Even if I did pass the GRE and could pay for school, how in the heck could I work AND go to school? d. even though I can do online courses I'm still not sure it could all happen any time in the near future.
There are no other jobs out there that I'm qualified for where I could make what I'm making now despite having a college education.
Now I'm trying to figure how I can cut expenses. What are my luxuries? Cable t.v. Cable modem. Cell phone (not really a luxury as that's how my customers contact me) And that's it. I've already stopped having fast food. I'm making menus and only buying the essentials at the grocery store. I only buy sodas if they're on sale. I'm trying to keep the thermostat down now and keep lights turned off. Water is pretty much fixed price as I typically don't go over the minimum. I'm trying to get my credit cards paid off. I can't move to any place cheaper unless I get rid of my animals and Josh. I can't cut back on my gasoline as it's part of my job to travel to schools.
I used to think getting married would solve my financial issues. It didn't. It only made them worse. Sometimes I really hate being a grown-up. Life was so good before bills.
I know I'm whining. Bear with me. I'm going to go join Summer's pity party for a while. Anyone care to join us?

My head is going to explode

I have a lot of random thoughts swirling in my head at the moment and not sure if I can even get them down here. Pardon me if I ramble on a bit.
Finally heard about child support. H (Josh's dad's current, but soon to be ex-wife) finally emailed me. Told me that she and Jacob were separated and he's been taking care of his own bills including child support but has gotten behind because of slow business. But she said that he said he'd be paying for February and hoped to get caught up soon. We'll see. I'm not surprised that they're separated. She was very apologetic about the situation.
This is my busiest month of work as all my spring schools are finaling their books and I still have to see my fall delivery schools.
Got more news from Marty. He found out that he has to be in California on Feb. 13. That means he's not going to be able to get out of his apartment before then so he'll have to pay for Feb. & March rent. He alluded to the fact that he might not be able to even come to Texas before he leaves for Alaska. This does not sit well with me. If that is the case, then it will be a year and a half before I see him again.
I'm already having not so good thoughts about things. I love him very much and want to be with him, but I'm having doubts about his feelings for me. Oh, I know he loves me. But I'm wondering how much. Where do I fit in the scheme of things? And the fact that he's not being honest with himself about other things.
Maybe I read to much into things, ponder things too much, question everything. I wonder how compatible we really are.
I'm a planner. I like to know what's going on at all times. I like to plan things in advance. I can't watch scary movies unless I know how it ends. I need to know how my partner is feeling at all times. I have to have issues resolved. I need romance. Being mature is natural for me.
Marty is a bly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of guy. Whatever happens, happens. For him, feelings are overrated. It's better to ignore issues than to fight in his mind. Romance is like a foreign language to him that he doesn't want to learn. And he still has some growing up to do.
But there are good things too. We have common interests, tastes, future plans. And we do love each other. I can feel it when I'm with him and have no doubts. But since that is so seldom, how does a couple keep love alive at a distance? Is love enough? I knew this would be hard. I knew I would question things from time to time. I know I'm the type to always make things much more complex than they really are. (But I can't help it) I'm also one that when I do fall in love, I really, really fall. I put everything in to it. And if I don't get a little something back, then I question everything. And I worry. Way too much.
That's why my head is spinning at the moment. When will it stop?

Another Weigh-In Win

Today's weigh-in was 178.5 lbs. That's another 1.5 lbs! Woo Hoo. Though I have to say I did actually get down to 178 earlier, I'm still going by official weigh-ins on Wednesdays.
So far so good!

Is it still Monday?

I did NOT want to get up this morning. I stayed up until 1 a.m. finishing a book. Then sort of woke up around 7-something. Needed to leave by 8:30 to go visit my school. Didn't quite make it as I finally made myself get up around 8. Went to my school. Spent 2 hours checking over all the pages. Thank goodness it's only a 60 page book.
Then I went and wrote a hot check for clarinet reeds. $23 for a box of 10. Then I went to Sam's to see if I had a membership under my dad's business. Luckily I did. So I priced everything I need to buy for the concession stand on Friday. Then came home, had lunch (a lunchable, yogurt and tea). Read my blogs. Plugged in the numbers for the concession stand in a database. (Yes, I can be anal) Called about child support. No answer but left another message.
Now I'm thinking very seriously about a nap. Care to join me?

Yet Another Marty Update

Well it looks like Marty is heading out even sooner than expected. His school has been moved up to the end of this month. Then he'll go back to Connecticut to finish up business. Then he'll drive his truck down here. Then he'll head to Alaska for his duty at the end of April. He'll be there until May of next year. Kind of sucks, but at least he's getting out a month earlier. Don't know if I'll be able to handle it, but I think if we're supposed to be together it will work out. I'll be relieved that he won't be around his ex-wife. (Yes, I still have issues with that) I'm sad that he'll miss his girls. I still wonder where I am in the scheme of things. But it won't do me any good to ponder much.
Went to my aerobics class tonight. I was exhausted. Seemed to be more difficult today than any other day. Probably because I missed last Thursday. Had leftovers for supper. Almost finished before 7:30. Only one coke. Since I can't afford fast food, I guess I don't have to worry about that part so much. I'm going to call about child support again tomorrow. I am. Really. Why am I so chicken about that? Because I hate to complain. Because I worry about confrontation. Oh well. I gotta do what I gotta do.

My two cents

Well since my only two readers gave me their opinion, I'll post mine. (I know I have a few more readers, but typically only Summer and Grumpy post from time to time)
On Flirting.
When you're a single person it's great. More power to you. When I was single, the flirting was great for the attention. I can be an attention hog.
However, when you're in a relationship, it's inappropriate. That's not to say you can't notice an attractive member of the opposite sex. (As long as it doesn't involve major the gawking, jaw dropping on the floor, drooling kind of thing)
I think it's a matter of respect for the other person. If you truly love your partner, you wouldn't hurt them in that way. And, yes, for the record, it does hurt. Many people may not admit it or others may have much loftier self-esteems than I do, but honestly if someone openly flirts with another person it's like a slap in the face.
Some men (and women) just don't get it. They think it's harmless. They think "my partner knows how much I love them so they don't have anything to worry about." But let me say that if you're flirting, your partner is probably questioning how much love you have for them.
I really like how Summer put it.
"There is nothing wrong with admiring another attractive human being but, flirting is pursuing. It's the beginning of the chase. "
Let me explain why this bothers me so much. My ex-husband. He constantly needed validation from women. Didn't matter who. He had to have his ego stroked. And his flirting was much more subtle. It was just "being there" for those female friends or doing favors etc. Talking them online. Writing letters to them in prison. (I kid you not!) I had a hard time stroking his ego (or anything else for that matter) because of this. It was a major catch-22. But the flirting, the talking, the being friendly, blah, blah, blah lead from one thing to another. It eventually lead to him getting a bj from a prostitute on a business trip. And yet the idiot in me stayed in the relationship for another year. But you know what the straw was that broke my back? Another new "friend." He met her at an SCA event. They became pals. He'd spend hours emailing her and assure me that she was just a new friend. I could never affirm whether he had an affair with her or if there was anything more to it. I read the emails I could and mostly they were general stuff. I'd been thinking about divorce for a while at that point. And when I found him once again in conversation with her, I made a comment about it. And he blew up. Told me to get over it and be more secure. So I went and got the letter I had written telling him that I agreed divorce was probably the best idea. Up until that point I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it or keep trying. But I finally realized that he would never be able to let go of the other women. And I couldn't be happy if he didn't.
So, you're wondering what brought all this up, huh?
No, Marty didn't do any flirting (that I know of) in front of me. But he mentioned something about it. And he does seem to have a different take on it. He mentioned a female friend and said that when they're together sometimes he flirts. He said that he mostly did it to make this other girl jealous that had a crush on him and he wanted nothing to do with her. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm assuming all of this flirting etc. took place before we became a couple. But I let it be known that in a relationship it wasn't a good idea. He seemed to disagree, but didn't argue the point. I asked him what if the situation was reversed. He said that he wouldn't be jealous. I laughed. Men always say that and they are soooooo wrong. You should have seen him when I was chatting with Patrick online once. (Though he continues to deny any kind of jealousy.)
I may be completely wrong on my feelings on this. But it really doesn't matter. If it hurts someone else (no matter how "innocent"), then it shouldn't be done. Plain and simple.
Do feel free to continue to comment on this.