I went to the library today and got a couple more books on Catholicism. I just finished reading Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic by David B. Currie. That book really helped me to understand the basic differences between Evangelical beliefs and Catholic beliefs. I'm still finding that the Catholic Church simply makes more sense to me and is more logical than anything else. I'm not dissing those that belong to a protestant denomination. I just happen to think that some of the protestant beliefs are flawed. Much in the same way many protestants believe that Catholic doctrine is flawed.
I don't plan to debate any issues here, I'm just stating that my turn to Catholicism is not because of a simple whim. I'm truly learning what the faith is and am growing because of it.
I had lunch with my son today and we discussed some religious beliefs and because of what I've read, I feel that I was able to answer his questions. I am by no means an expert and I have a lot to learn, but I think I'm on the right track perhaps for the first time in my life.
So what does all this mean? I'm changing. For the better, certainly. But it's still kind of scary. I wonder if I can do it sometimes and then I start thinking that the only way that I can is with the help of God. For someone that hasn't been a trusting person for many, many years, it's difficult to do. And as challenges come, I hope that God gives me the strength to endure. But I've found that since I've been going to Mass weekly, praying daily, and engrossing myself in learning, I feel more at peace.
I've always been a believer in that God has been looking out for me. Maybe it's also my guardian angel, but too many things have happened in my life for me to think otherwise. I think everything happens for a reason, and the people that come into our lives are there for some purpose as well.
If I hadn't gotten pregnant with Josh in college, I might never have finished. It was because of Josh that I received grants and scholarships and college was paid for. When I needed a place to live on a very small budget, I found a house for rent for $75 a month. When I needed a refrigerator that was under 5 ft., we happened upon one in a driveway that wasn't for sale, but the guy decided to sell it anyways. When I've needed money because things have come up, I'd suddenly get a child support check or a tax refund. When I lost my house to foreclosure after separating, I was able to move into my parents house after my mother passed away. And because I met Marty, I am taking this religious journey. There's no doubt about it. I'm sure that it's all in God's plan. That's why I don't regret having him in my life. I'm sad to lose him, but I accept that it wasn't meant to be. But I'm thankful for the purpose it served. I still love him and always will in some way.
I'm still open to loving again. I wasn't sure for a while. But I think when it's right I'll be able to give my heart away again. I'm figuring out what I want. Now, what I want may not be what I get, but I know the things I'm not going to settle on. Marty was close, but by no means perfect. I know that perfection doesn't exist and one has to compromise. The thing is one shouldn't really settle on important issues.
I hope I find it again. Because loving someone is one of the greatest things you can do.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
T.G.I.F?
Yes, it's good that it's Friday and I don't have to work tomorrow. Went to two schools today. I got one of my ex's divorce decrees that I need for my annulment. The other two I can get in Amarillo next week. Then I can start the proceedings and get it over with. You're wondering why? Since I'm not even dating or have any plans to get married? Because I'm doing it for me. To put that part of my past behind me.
I do have the hope to marry again some day. I pray it's God's will for me to find the right man. Yes, I thought it was Marty. But even though he didn't think so, I know that Marty's presence in my life had great importance. I'm so thankful for that. And yeah, I miss him. I'm not wallowing in sorrow over it, I'm moving on and living life. But I do think about him from time to time. I wonder how he's doing. I pray for him daily. And maybe he'll stay in touch with me. And I have to leave that up to him. But love certainly doesn't fade that quickly.
So now it's a Friday night and what am I doing? Watching Forensic Files on t.v. and reading a book. I'm wondering if I'm going to get to see my friend Bret next week. He's the one that is the Baptist minister in California and is worried about my soul now that I'm converting to Catholicism. The book I'm reading is helping me understand a lot of what I think he's thinking in that regard. I don't want to get into a debate with him, but I am going to be firm in my decision. I haven't seen him in 3 years though and I hope he'll have the time to visit.
I still don't know what to do about the job situation. I haven't gotten an offer for the speech position and I may not. But I do have to think about the possibility. I still have the interview next week for the technology position that might be interesting as well. All I can do at the moment is pray about it which is what I've been doing.
And that's my life as it is at the moment.
I do have the hope to marry again some day. I pray it's God's will for me to find the right man. Yes, I thought it was Marty. But even though he didn't think so, I know that Marty's presence in my life had great importance. I'm so thankful for that. And yeah, I miss him. I'm not wallowing in sorrow over it, I'm moving on and living life. But I do think about him from time to time. I wonder how he's doing. I pray for him daily. And maybe he'll stay in touch with me. And I have to leave that up to him. But love certainly doesn't fade that quickly.
So now it's a Friday night and what am I doing? Watching Forensic Files on t.v. and reading a book. I'm wondering if I'm going to get to see my friend Bret next week. He's the one that is the Baptist minister in California and is worried about my soul now that I'm converting to Catholicism. The book I'm reading is helping me understand a lot of what I think he's thinking in that regard. I don't want to get into a debate with him, but I am going to be firm in my decision. I haven't seen him in 3 years though and I hope he'll have the time to visit.
I still don't know what to do about the job situation. I haven't gotten an offer for the speech position and I may not. But I do have to think about the possibility. I still have the interview next week for the technology position that might be interesting as well. All I can do at the moment is pray about it which is what I've been doing.
And that's my life as it is at the moment.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Just one more on the Meme Game
Any takers on the Mozart tune? Thanks to Marty's sister-in-law and brother they got 3 more. Come on...take a guess.
So is anyone surprised by my taste in music?
It really is only a small sampling, but these I thought were guessable and were those where I could actually pick a favorite.
So is anyone surprised by my taste in music?
It really is only a small sampling, but these I thought were guessable and were those where I could actually pick a favorite.
I'm back from the Interviews
I made it to my interview with plenty of time to spare. I found out that I was going to be interviewing with the principal later that morning after the interview with the personnel director. I wasn't really nervous. The questions were easy and she nodded her head at a lot of the things I said. She was very nice and I feel very good about it.
I then headed to the high school. I was early, but waited until the principal and the other teacher was ready. The other teacher was the lady currently in the speech position that is wanting to retire and I've known her for a number of years. I was not nervous at all, questions again were nothing I couldn't answer. I think it will really boil down to who the teacher wants to replace her. I know that she likes me and has a good opinion of me, but I'm also not certain if she feels I would be the right person to take over. I think if there aren't a lot of other applicants, I stand an above average chance at the position. So I still need to think about whether I want it if it's offered.
I called Amarillo and have an interview scheduled for next Friday for the Instructional Technology Specialist position.
So now it's the wait and see game.
I then headed to the high school. I was early, but waited until the principal and the other teacher was ready. The other teacher was the lady currently in the speech position that is wanting to retire and I've known her for a number of years. I was not nervous at all, questions again were nothing I couldn't answer. I think it will really boil down to who the teacher wants to replace her. I know that she likes me and has a good opinion of me, but I'm also not certain if she feels I would be the right person to take over. I think if there aren't a lot of other applicants, I stand an above average chance at the position. So I still need to think about whether I want it if it's offered.
I called Amarillo and have an interview scheduled for next Friday for the Instructional Technology Specialist position.
So now it's the wait and see game.
Interview Today
Well, I'm heading off for my interview this morning. If you're inclined to do so, send good thoughts, prayers, vibes, or whatever my way this morning. I'm not really feeling all that nervous... yet. It will probably hit me seconds before I walk into the office, but all I can do is be honest (mostly) and go from there.
Hope everyone is having a great day today!
Hope everyone is having a great day today!
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Not much to tell
I don't have a lot to share today. I visited two schools and spent a good portion of the evening going over potential interview questions. I'm not sure if I'm ready for it, but going to keep plugging away. Some of the questions are a lot harder than I imagined. If I do make it past the first interview, the second is in front of a panel of teachers and the principal. I wasn't really nervous about any of this until I started checking out possible questions. At least I have another day to think about them. It will be an early day tomorrow as I'm heading out dark and early to Sunray. I'm off to bed.
Meme Game Continued
O.k. I promised some clues on the meme game, so here you go:
1. Faith Hill - Breathe (Guessed by Patrick)
2. Huey Lewis & the News - If This is It (Guessed by Norma)
3. Journey - Faithfully (Guessed by Patrick)
4. Survivor - The Search is Over (Guessed by Patrick)
5. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful (Guessed by Summer)
6. Prince - When Doves Cry (guessed by Patrick)
7. Mozart - Symphony No. 25 in G minor (Guessed by Norma)
8. Garth Brooks - The River (Guessed by Norma)
9. Phil Collins - In the Air Tonight (guessed by Patrick)
10. Bryan Adams - When You Love Someone (guessed by Travis)
If you want to see what's already been guessed, click here.
1. Faith Hill - Breathe (Guessed by Patrick)
2. Huey Lewis & the News - If This is It (Guessed by Norma)
3. Journey - Faithfully (Guessed by Patrick)
4. Survivor - The Search is Over (Guessed by Patrick)
5. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful (Guessed by Summer)
6. Prince - When Doves Cry (guessed by Patrick)
7. Mozart - Symphony No. 25 in G minor (Guessed by Norma)
8. Garth Brooks - The River (Guessed by Norma)
9. Phil Collins - In the Air Tonight (guessed by Patrick)
10. Bryan Adams - When You Love Someone (guessed by Travis)
If you want to see what's already been guessed, click here.
Monday, April 25, 2005
What I Did Today
I hope I don't bore you to tears, but here's my day.
I slept late. It was nice. I had strange dreams this morning though. In one of them I dreamed that my mother had come back to life. But it was weird, she was a version of her much younger self, but it was very strange altogether. Anyways... so I slept late. I got up and read some blogs, then got ready for the day. I went to the bank and got some money, went to the Catholic bookstore in town and got stuff to finish my rosaries that I'm making. Then I dropped my reference evaluation forms in the mail so they can be filled out and returned to the district I'm applying at. Then I came home, briefly chatted with my friend from Austin, and then headed to one of my schools.
Did the school visit with no issues, then headed to another school, but it seemed like they didn't have school today so I passed on by. Then I headed to Lubbock. I needed to get copies of Richard's marriage and divorce papers so that I can proceed with my annulment. I got the marriage certificate without a problem (other than the extreme long wait) but he must have forgotten that his divorce was filed in another county as it was not on file in Lubbock. So I called him to check and he now thinks, that maybe it was in another county and he's supposed to let me know.
Then I headed home. I have a yearbook person coming over this evening to discuss some issues with her proofs. I hope I can resolve everything.
And that's it. Tomorrow proves to be just as exciting. I'm not sure about sleeping in though... depends if I have the 8:30 visit or not.
I slept late. It was nice. I had strange dreams this morning though. In one of them I dreamed that my mother had come back to life. But it was weird, she was a version of her much younger self, but it was very strange altogether. Anyways... so I slept late. I got up and read some blogs, then got ready for the day. I went to the bank and got some money, went to the Catholic bookstore in town and got stuff to finish my rosaries that I'm making. Then I dropped my reference evaluation forms in the mail so they can be filled out and returned to the district I'm applying at. Then I came home, briefly chatted with my friend from Austin, and then headed to one of my schools.
Did the school visit with no issues, then headed to another school, but it seemed like they didn't have school today so I passed on by. Then I headed to Lubbock. I needed to get copies of Richard's marriage and divorce papers so that I can proceed with my annulment. I got the marriage certificate without a problem (other than the extreme long wait) but he must have forgotten that his divorce was filed in another county as it was not on file in Lubbock. So I called him to check and he now thinks, that maybe it was in another county and he's supposed to let me know.
Then I headed home. I have a yearbook person coming over this evening to discuss some issues with her proofs. I hope I can resolve everything.
And that's it. Tomorrow proves to be just as exciting. I'm not sure about sleeping in though... depends if I have the 8:30 visit or not.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
A Great Homily
I went to Mass today. It was good to be back after missing last week. I'm starting to get the hang of things and can almost participate in all of it. There's a few things I still need to memorize, like the Nicene Creed, but I'm not doing too bad so far.
I really enoyed the homily today. Father said that he had just read the book 7 Habits for Highly Effective people and said that many of those are similar to being an effective Christian. Father gave us his list of 7 Habits for Highly Effective Christians. I wanted to share them with you.
1. Prayer - One cannot have a relationship with God without this. It should be done daily.
2. Faith - A gift from the Holy Spirit.
3. Forgiveness - One must be able to forgive to be able to love. This even when the one you are forgiving doesn't change or show remorse.
4. Conversion - We must change in ourselves to serve Christ. We must be open to change in ourselves.
5. Charity - We must show charity to one another.
6. Patience - Our timing and God's may be two different things and we need to have patience in all matters of life.
7. Simplicity - Keep your life simple and not cloud it with so many things that God is placed on the backburner.
I thought it was a very good list and I took it to heart today. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm going to be working on this list.
I really enoyed the homily today. Father said that he had just read the book 7 Habits for Highly Effective people and said that many of those are similar to being an effective Christian. Father gave us his list of 7 Habits for Highly Effective Christians. I wanted to share them with you.
1. Prayer - One cannot have a relationship with God without this. It should be done daily.
2. Faith - A gift from the Holy Spirit.
3. Forgiveness - One must be able to forgive to be able to love. This even when the one you are forgiving doesn't change or show remorse.
4. Conversion - We must change in ourselves to serve Christ. We must be open to change in ourselves.
5. Charity - We must show charity to one another.
6. Patience - Our timing and God's may be two different things and we need to have patience in all matters of life.
7. Simplicity - Keep your life simple and not cloud it with so many things that God is placed on the backburner.
I thought it was a very good list and I took it to heart today. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm going to be working on this list.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
Doesn't anyone want to play?
O.k. only Patrick is playing the meme game. Someone else needs to come and play. After I get at least one more set of guesses, I'll leave some clues.
Don't be shy. Surely there are some other fans of the 80's out there.
Don't be shy. Surely there are some other fans of the 80's out there.
Job Interview
Well, I have my first interview scheduled. But it's for a job that I'm not certain that I'm truly interested in. I know that I'm not at a point where I can pick and choose, but I do have to consider a lot of things. The position is teaching at a school that is a 35 minute drive away. O.k. that's not really a big deal, I think I can handle that assuming my car lasts. But it's teaching speech and being a speech coach. That means teaching debate and oral interp and taking students to tournaments, working after school, hosting a tournament in order to fundraise. I'm just not certain I'm up for all of that. I'm learning to enjoy my free time and I don't think I want that kind of headache. And debate is not my strong suit. I've gotten the basics from college and I've taught CX debate in a simplified format, but I'm not sure I can pull it off. The team that exists right now is a very strong team that wins a lot of awards.
I know I should have more confidence in myself, but I'm thinking that it's more that I'm aware of my limitations. But I might not even be offered the position anyways. I guess I should go ahead with the interview and see where it goes. But I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say in it. I originally applied for the job thinking that it was only going to be teaching the regular speech classes and being more of an assistant coach. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
I really want to find out more about the technology coordinator position open in Amarillo. It says to wait two weeks to call for an interview, but I think I'll call next week. I think they want the time to run a background check, but they may already have one on file from when I applied as a substitute last year.
I know I should have more confidence in myself, but I'm thinking that it's more that I'm aware of my limitations. But I might not even be offered the position anyways. I guess I should go ahead with the interview and see where it goes. But I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say in it. I originally applied for the job thinking that it was only going to be teaching the regular speech classes and being more of an assistant coach. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
I really want to find out more about the technology coordinator position open in Amarillo. It says to wait two weeks to call for an interview, but I think I'll call next week. I think they want the time to run a background check, but they may already have one on file from when I applied as a substitute last year.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Stuffed
That's how I feel at the moment. I went out to dinner with my friend Carol Ann. (Who happens to be dating my dad.) We went to El Chico's and I ate too much as always. So much for the weight loss. I should have come home and gone for a walk, but I just don't feel like it. I really want to roll into bed with a book. But I'm going to hold out for at least another hour.
Got the strangest IM while I was gone though. O.k., nothing really shocks me online any more. I think I've seen and heard most of it. But some total stranger spouts that he loves me and wants to marry me and I can't hold out forever or something like that. Geez... like I'm really going to respond to that.
Got the strangest IM while I was gone though. O.k., nothing really shocks me online any more. I think I've seen and heard most of it. But some total stranger spouts that he loves me and wants to marry me and I can't hold out forever or something like that. Geez... like I'm really going to respond to that.
Damn!
That's one of those good kinds of damns... pronounced "day um". I've been checking the child support interactive website regularly in hopes that I might receive child support at some point, but generally it's disappointing because it only shows the one deposit I received in March after talking to Jacob's soon to be ex. Imagine my surprise when I check it today and find that $1200 has been sent! Woo Hoo! O.k. I'm not going to go crazy or anything, but it will really help with paying Josh's band camp, buying his shorts, and paying for private lessons. I'm going to try to save some of it in hopes that we may be able to take a short vacation this summer. I doubt that this is because of Jacob's efforts, but rather his wife's, but it's really nice to be pleasantly surprised.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
My Biological Clock
Is that what I hear faintly ticking? O.k. maybe it has to do with the fact that I was watching Father of the Bride part II. But it got me thinking. Gee, twice in one day, I'm on a roll!
Do I want to have more children? Converting to Catholicism and potentially getting married some day means I have to be open to having a family. Although Catholics cannot use birth control, they can use natural family planning to space out births.
Had I married Marty, I would not have been able to have more children. But I was o.k. with that because I thought we'd have a great life and could spend the time in simply taking care of and loving each other.
Now that I'm "on the market" again and the fact that I do have hopes to marry some day, I have to consider the possibility of having another child. A part of me thinks it would be great to be able to experience pregnancy and raising a child again... especially in an environment of being married. But then I also have to think about the fact that I'm 35. While that is not necessarily too old to have a child, I'm getting up there. By the time I find another relationship and perhaps get married, I might not be able to have a child. I also have to consider the fact that in the next few years I may be having a hysterectomy. Not by choice, but understanding that this kind of thing runs in my family. My mother had one at the age of 36, my sister at 29, and my cousin in her 30's. It's not to say that I'll definitely have one, but the chances are probably above average.
I guess I shouldn't really worry about all this. I know that God will provide and if it's His will for me to have more children, it will happen. But patience has not been my strong suit. I guess that's what I should be praying for.
Do I want to have more children? Converting to Catholicism and potentially getting married some day means I have to be open to having a family. Although Catholics cannot use birth control, they can use natural family planning to space out births.
Had I married Marty, I would not have been able to have more children. But I was o.k. with that because I thought we'd have a great life and could spend the time in simply taking care of and loving each other.
Now that I'm "on the market" again and the fact that I do have hopes to marry some day, I have to consider the possibility of having another child. A part of me thinks it would be great to be able to experience pregnancy and raising a child again... especially in an environment of being married. But then I also have to think about the fact that I'm 35. While that is not necessarily too old to have a child, I'm getting up there. By the time I find another relationship and perhaps get married, I might not be able to have a child. I also have to consider the fact that in the next few years I may be having a hysterectomy. Not by choice, but understanding that this kind of thing runs in my family. My mother had one at the age of 36, my sister at 29, and my cousin in her 30's. It's not to say that I'll definitely have one, but the chances are probably above average.
I guess I shouldn't really worry about all this. I know that God will provide and if it's His will for me to have more children, it will happen. But patience has not been my strong suit. I guess that's what I should be praying for.
Change is good, right?
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Go figure. I had a conversation today via IM (he did meet my criteria for chatting) and it got to a point where the guy was obviously looking for some kind of relationship and indicated that he expected sex to be a part of it. I made a point to let him know that because I’m converting to Catholicism that is not something I’m willing to partake in until I’m married. It quickly diminished the conversation, which is fine, but I’m wondering is this something I can actually hold to?
Sex has always been something that has been fascinating, scary, and exciting. It’s something I’ve had a lot of interest in and guilt over. I thought that getting married would ease some of my trepidations about it because there wouldn’t be guilt. (Thinking it’s more o.k. when you’re actually married) But sex in my marriage just created more issues. I wasn’t open enough, or I wouldn’t do this or that among other concerns. And now I’m taking a different mind-set. I really want to wait until I remarry. Of course, I’ve said those words before and they never lasted long. But I want sex to not just be sex. I want it to be something beautiful and powerful and full of love. Too many times has sex been confused with love and having a relationship. Having sex does not mean that two people are necessarily building a relationship. I’m hoping that if two people can fall in love before going down that road, then a relationship is already stronger because of that. Sex just confuses things.
And this is coming from the girl that went on sowing her wild oats after separating from her husband. It’s not that I live in regret over those things. I do feel bad about things in my past, but I don’t dwell on it. I’m learning from my mistakes and simply moving on.
Of course saying all this now is simple. I’m not in a situation where I’m being tempted. But I’m also really just not in the mood. It’s not something that I’m concerned about and am praying that I make better decisions about in the future.
I’m figuring out what I want and need. One of the reasons I’m not ready to jump in to the dating pool is because I don’t want to spend a lot of time kissing frogs again. It’s going to be harder to find someone that can become the love of my life again. I would prefer to find someone that is Catholic and free to marry in the Church. But that may be difficult. It’s not to say I wouldn’t consider dating a non-Catholic, but I would expect that someone would have to share my new values and morals, which may be impossible in today’s world. But those are two things that shouldn’t be compromised in a relationship. That’s one reason why things didn’t work in my marriage. Though we shared many similar ideas, there were some major issues that we could never agree on and they in turn created a lot more problems. So after all my relationship, sex, and dating experiences, I hope I’m finally on the right path. Actually I’m really ready to leave it in God’s hands at this point. I haven’t done too well on my own it seems.
Sex has always been something that has been fascinating, scary, and exciting. It’s something I’ve had a lot of interest in and guilt over. I thought that getting married would ease some of my trepidations about it because there wouldn’t be guilt. (Thinking it’s more o.k. when you’re actually married) But sex in my marriage just created more issues. I wasn’t open enough, or I wouldn’t do this or that among other concerns. And now I’m taking a different mind-set. I really want to wait until I remarry. Of course, I’ve said those words before and they never lasted long. But I want sex to not just be sex. I want it to be something beautiful and powerful and full of love. Too many times has sex been confused with love and having a relationship. Having sex does not mean that two people are necessarily building a relationship. I’m hoping that if two people can fall in love before going down that road, then a relationship is already stronger because of that. Sex just confuses things.
And this is coming from the girl that went on sowing her wild oats after separating from her husband. It’s not that I live in regret over those things. I do feel bad about things in my past, but I don’t dwell on it. I’m learning from my mistakes and simply moving on.
Of course saying all this now is simple. I’m not in a situation where I’m being tempted. But I’m also really just not in the mood. It’s not something that I’m concerned about and am praying that I make better decisions about in the future.
I’m figuring out what I want and need. One of the reasons I’m not ready to jump in to the dating pool is because I don’t want to spend a lot of time kissing frogs again. It’s going to be harder to find someone that can become the love of my life again. I would prefer to find someone that is Catholic and free to marry in the Church. But that may be difficult. It’s not to say I wouldn’t consider dating a non-Catholic, but I would expect that someone would have to share my new values and morals, which may be impossible in today’s world. But those are two things that shouldn’t be compromised in a relationship. That’s one reason why things didn’t work in my marriage. Though we shared many similar ideas, there were some major issues that we could never agree on and they in turn created a lot more problems. So after all my relationship, sex, and dating experiences, I hope I’m finally on the right path. Actually I’m really ready to leave it in God’s hands at this point. I haven’t done too well on my own it seems.
Meme Stolen from Patrick stolen from Stephanie
O.k. so most of the people who read this might not really "know" me, but maybe you'll figure it out anyways. Most of them are fairly easy answers (at least I think so) except for perhaps number 7. I didn't put my favorite artist on there (Olivia Newton John) because a. I can't really pick a 'favorite' and b. if I did, it might be obscure. But do play and see if you can figure these out.
So here goes:
1. Post the names of 10 of your favorite musicians.
2. See who can guess which is your favorite song by each.
3. Once someone guesses right, bold that row and include the song.
Some of my favorites and by no means all or necessarily my most favorites are:
1. Faith Hill
2. Huey Lewis & the News
3. Journey - Faithfully
4. Survivor - The Search is Over
5. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
6. Prince - When Doves Cry (guessed by Patrick)
7. Mozart
8. Garth Brooks
9. Phil Collins - In the Air Tonight (guessed by Patrick)
10. Bryan Adams
So here goes:
1. Post the names of 10 of your favorite musicians.
2. See who can guess which is your favorite song by each.
3. Once someone guesses right, bold that row and include the song.
Some of my favorites and by no means all or necessarily my most favorites are:
1. Faith Hill
2. Huey Lewis & the News
3. Journey - Faithfully
4. Survivor - The Search is Over
5. Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
6. Prince - When Doves Cry (guessed by Patrick)
7. Mozart
8. Garth Brooks
9. Phil Collins - In the Air Tonight (guessed by Patrick)
10. Bryan Adams
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Somewhat productive
At least I got a few things accomplished today. I sent one cover letter and resume in the mail today for a position I think I would really like. I filled out an online application last night. The position is instructional technology coordinator for a cluster of schools. I think it would be right up my ally, but my concern is that they probably tend to hire teachers already on the inside. But we'll see. I got 3 other applications and cover letters ready to send and I'll mail them off this week. One of them includes a specific teaching position for speech, but I'm not sure that I'm all that interested in it. If was a smaller district or the classes were just the basic communication applications class, I'd be more interested. But this position is the competition class that would include debate, oral interp and possibly one act play. I'm learning to value my free time and I know I wouldn't have any in that position. I'm also probably not quite qualified for the position anyways.
And that's about all I did today. It took me a while to get the letters typed amid the net surfing, watching the news on the new pope, and general goofing off. I'm going to work on letters for the graphic artist postions that were in the paper this past weekend.
I changed my yahoo profile to read "single, not looking" and I guess that means I'm simply single and just a challenge. Guys have been coming out of the woodwork it seems. Well, I still stick my chatting rules and it's made my life a lot easier. And if people think I'm stuck up or a bitch because of that, so be it. I just can't stand all the riff-raff out there. And I still run in to it from time to time, but it's not as annoying as it used to be.
Oh, the other news today is that I heard back from my friend from high school who is a Baptist minister. O.k. a little background first... This guy I was in love with for many years. O.k. perhaps it was just a very major crush, but I was smitten for a long while. We never officially dated, but became very good friends. I got into church for a while back in college but never felt truly comfortable there and always seemed to question things. So, needless to say, I didn't go for a long while. But I know he's continued to pray for me throughout the years. Well, I asked him about a week and a half ago about my Baptism (he Baptized me back in college) and he responded mentioning that it seems that I was perhaps thinking about things again. I replied and told him of my plans to convert to Catholicism. And what I got as a response what expected. He indicated his concern for me considering this move and wanted me to really think it through. And he tried to keep it nice, but I knew that would concern him. And given his background, it's understandable, but I simply have to respectfully disagree with him. I did explain that I've given this a lot of thought and have done research. I'm still working on my reply to him, but it will be interesting to see how this develops. It's amazing that my statement indcating something like this has gotten more out of him than in the last 7 years or so that he's been in California. I guess things were a lot easier when I was just a wretched sinner.
And that's about all I did today. It took me a while to get the letters typed amid the net surfing, watching the news on the new pope, and general goofing off. I'm going to work on letters for the graphic artist postions that were in the paper this past weekend.
I changed my yahoo profile to read "single, not looking" and I guess that means I'm simply single and just a challenge. Guys have been coming out of the woodwork it seems. Well, I still stick my chatting rules and it's made my life a lot easier. And if people think I'm stuck up or a bitch because of that, so be it. I just can't stand all the riff-raff out there. And I still run in to it from time to time, but it's not as annoying as it used to be.
Oh, the other news today is that I heard back from my friend from high school who is a Baptist minister. O.k. a little background first... This guy I was in love with for many years. O.k. perhaps it was just a very major crush, but I was smitten for a long while. We never officially dated, but became very good friends. I got into church for a while back in college but never felt truly comfortable there and always seemed to question things. So, needless to say, I didn't go for a long while. But I know he's continued to pray for me throughout the years. Well, I asked him about a week and a half ago about my Baptism (he Baptized me back in college) and he responded mentioning that it seems that I was perhaps thinking about things again. I replied and told him of my plans to convert to Catholicism. And what I got as a response what expected. He indicated his concern for me considering this move and wanted me to really think it through. And he tried to keep it nice, but I knew that would concern him. And given his background, it's understandable, but I simply have to respectfully disagree with him. I did explain that I've given this a lot of thought and have done research. I'm still working on my reply to him, but it will be interesting to see how this develops. It's amazing that my statement indcating something like this has gotten more out of him than in the last 7 years or so that he's been in California. I guess things were a lot easier when I was just a wretched sinner.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Job Searching
I spent most of the day working on applications for school districts and printing them out. There were also two ads in the paper for graphic artists that I'm going to send my resume to. I've conceded the fact that I just can't live without child support and I really want to have health insurance. One of the advantages of being married was having health insurance.
I'm stuck on writing my cover letters. I don't know what to say to school districts as to why I want to come back into teaching. I can't be totally honest and say that I really don't want to, but I need the money and insurance. I just wasn't in the mood to drum up some good BS to write. Maybe I'll feel more creative tomorrow.
I'm stuck on writing my cover letters. I don't know what to say to school districts as to why I want to come back into teaching. I can't be totally honest and say that I really don't want to, but I need the money and insurance. I just wasn't in the mood to drum up some good BS to write. Maybe I'll feel more creative tomorrow.
Peace
It's an interesting concept - being at peace. But for some strange reason, I feel that way. I'm in awe with myself because normally I'm devastated for a few weeks. That tells me either I didn't really love him (but I know I did) or there's a greater power above myself at work here (most likely the latter). Let me give you an example. I worry a lot. Some things make me nervous like turbulence and flying in thunderstorms. But neither of these things really had an effect on me last night. And in general I just feel at peace in a way I can't really describe. I just seem to know that things are going to be fine. Maybe it's because for the first time I'm trusting God to do His work.
So what's next for me? I have no idea. But I'm going to start sending out my applications to school districts. I don't think I can afford not to. I really need the health insurance. And I think it's going to be o.k.
I still want to find true love some day, but I'm not going to actively look for it. But I have noticed that I'm not quite dead yet. I have been noticing very attractive men and thinking hmmmm... he's cute, wonder if he's married. I haven't made any kind of moves... I really don't have any. I'm too shy to do anything like that. But at least I'm not shutting men out completely.
I think we have a new addition to our family. My ad about the puppy has run twice now and we haven't received any calls and there was no matching ad looking for her. I just can't imagine someone not wanting this sweet little dog. I have no idea how she came to be sitting on my front porch, but perhaps she's here for a reason. I've named her Mollie. And if her owners come looking for her, I'll give her back, but I don't think they are.
Look! A post without something about Marty! Ooops... I guess I just mentioned him. No word from him. He left this morning to fly to Anchorage and then to Nome. He'll be in Nome for two days and then to his station at Port Clarence. We're staying friends. I would expect nothing less.
No work for me today. I was supposed to go to Sunray dark and early this morning and then remembered that TAKS testing is going on and I figured that I'd get all the way up there and the teacher would be giving a test. So I called her at home at 6:30 to make sure. Glad I was right. I didn't really want to get out of bed.
So I'm going to work on my school applications today, do some laundry, and just take it easy.
So what's next for me? I have no idea. But I'm going to start sending out my applications to school districts. I don't think I can afford not to. I really need the health insurance. And I think it's going to be o.k.
I still want to find true love some day, but I'm not going to actively look for it. But I have noticed that I'm not quite dead yet. I have been noticing very attractive men and thinking hmmmm... he's cute, wonder if he's married. I haven't made any kind of moves... I really don't have any. I'm too shy to do anything like that. But at least I'm not shutting men out completely.
I think we have a new addition to our family. My ad about the puppy has run twice now and we haven't received any calls and there was no matching ad looking for her. I just can't imagine someone not wanting this sweet little dog. I have no idea how she came to be sitting on my front porch, but perhaps she's here for a reason. I've named her Mollie. And if her owners come looking for her, I'll give her back, but I don't think they are.
Look! A post without something about Marty! Ooops... I guess I just mentioned him. No word from him. He left this morning to fly to Anchorage and then to Nome. He'll be in Nome for two days and then to his station at Port Clarence. We're staying friends. I would expect nothing less.
No work for me today. I was supposed to go to Sunray dark and early this morning and then remembered that TAKS testing is going on and I figured that I'd get all the way up there and the teacher would be giving a test. So I called her at home at 6:30 to make sure. Glad I was right. I didn't really want to get out of bed.
So I'm going to work on my school applications today, do some laundry, and just take it easy.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Home Sweet Home
I'm home. It's been a long weekend, but it's good to be back. I'm doing amazingly well emotionally. I think about Marty every once in a while, but it seems I'm easily distracted into thinking about something else so it's a good sign. I'm not crying or upset, I'm really just living.
I'm sure there's more to say, but I'm really tired at the moment and have to leave early tomorrow morning.
So here's just checking in to let you know I made it back safe and sound.
I'm sure there's more to say, but I'm really tired at the moment and have to leave early tomorrow morning.
So here's just checking in to let you know I made it back safe and sound.
Friday, April 15, 2005
About Me Update
I've noticed a few people checking out my "About Me" page recently and realized that it needed to be updated. I'm in a bit of a different place than I was back in September. So if you haven't checked it out recently you might want to... or not.
Again, thanks to all of you who read. I'm humbled that what I have to say is interesting enough to keep you coming around. I truly appreciate it!!!
Again, thanks to all of you who read. I'm humbled that what I have to say is interesting enough to keep you coming around. I truly appreciate it!!!
Surviving
I'm here in Houston holed up in the Doubletree Hotel having room service. I ordered French Onion Soup and a Ceasar Salad, but they didn't bring me a spoon. But I managed. No crying today. Not even in the 3 hour drive from Austin to Houston. I thought about Marty, but it's really no use in dwelling on something I know I can't have. The drive wasn't as bad as I'd thought. Hit heavy traffic in Houston, but it wasn't difficult, just slow at times. Found the convention center, paid $7 to park and met my uncle. I didn't have a lot to do today. I don't know that he's getting his money's worth out of being here, but perhaps he'll get a lot of contacts that will order later. In case you're interested in his products you can check out his website. It is kind of strange to be in the midst of the NRA convention and I have never fired a gun. I'm not against them; I believe in the right to own a gun. I've just never been educated in them and I guess I'm kind of afraid of them. But I also have a great deal of respect for them. I believe it's true that it is people that kill people, not guns. But it's still not a place I'd ever really imagine being. I have gone to a gun show before though - with my ex-husband. I was always worried about him spending too much money on guns "I" didn't think he needed. But I know it's a guy thing and I probably should have been more understanding about it.
Speaking of my ex. I saw him last night. He drove up from San Antonio and went out to dinner with me. It was very nice of him. It was better than spending most of the night in the hotel crying over Marty. We went to Outback. I was starving. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. (Unless you count the peanuts for breakfast on the plane.) We caught up with each other, had some laughs. I found out that he's been reading my blog for a while. I didn't realize he had found it. (Not that it's difficult to find; there's a link on my yahoo profile.) I felt bad because of some of the things I've said about him in here. It came from a lot of bitterness and anger and though there's truth in it, I probably shouldn't have aired it like I have. He said it did hurt in reading some of it. I told him that now I finally got to a point where I feel like I can let go of the bitterness, because it really doesn't serve any purpose. I think I'm really learning and growing up and I think amazingly enough part of it is because of Marty.
But Richard also said that he would always love me. I think that is nice. Sometimes I can't imagine anyone wanting to love me. I know I'm difficult to love at times. But then there are times that I think I'm very deserving of love and am disappointed that I can't seem to find it.
In seeing Richard last night I realize how completely wrong we were for each other. Yes, we had some wonderful times together, but we truly had more misery it seemed. But it was strange to be crying to him over Marty and him trying to comfort me. But he was genuinely concerned and I truly appreciated it.
So I'm surviving now. I know there will be pangs of remorse from time to time and I'll deal with them as the come. For now I'm moving on with life.
Speaking of my ex. I saw him last night. He drove up from San Antonio and went out to dinner with me. It was very nice of him. It was better than spending most of the night in the hotel crying over Marty. We went to Outback. I was starving. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. (Unless you count the peanuts for breakfast on the plane.) We caught up with each other, had some laughs. I found out that he's been reading my blog for a while. I didn't realize he had found it. (Not that it's difficult to find; there's a link on my yahoo profile.) I felt bad because of some of the things I've said about him in here. It came from a lot of bitterness and anger and though there's truth in it, I probably shouldn't have aired it like I have. He said it did hurt in reading some of it. I told him that now I finally got to a point where I feel like I can let go of the bitterness, because it really doesn't serve any purpose. I think I'm really learning and growing up and I think amazingly enough part of it is because of Marty.
But Richard also said that he would always love me. I think that is nice. Sometimes I can't imagine anyone wanting to love me. I know I'm difficult to love at times. But then there are times that I think I'm very deserving of love and am disappointed that I can't seem to find it.
In seeing Richard last night I realize how completely wrong we were for each other. Yes, we had some wonderful times together, but we truly had more misery it seemed. But it was strange to be crying to him over Marty and him trying to comfort me. But he was genuinely concerned and I truly appreciated it.
So I'm surviving now. I know there will be pangs of remorse from time to time and I'll deal with them as the come. For now I'm moving on with life.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
It hurts
But it's finished. We said our good-byes. I did most of the talking (go figure). He just said that I was in a different place than he was and it wasn't fair to me. He doesn't know what he wants and he's considering staying in the Coast Guard longer than originally planned.
I will still always question whether or not it was something in me, but he assures me it wasn't. Doesn't change my questioning.
I got the typical "I didn't want to hurt you" and I know he means that, but nobody ever really intends to hurt another unless they are just a vicious person.
I gave him his journal. I hope he reads it. I hope he misses me. I hope he gets the answers he's looking for. A part of me still wishes that it was me, but I know it's not.
We'll remain friends and stay in touch. But it just won't be the same.
Maybe this will be the last day of tears and I'll move on. But the ache will linger for a while.
I will still always question whether or not it was something in me, but he assures me it wasn't. Doesn't change my questioning.
I got the typical "I didn't want to hurt you" and I know he means that, but nobody ever really intends to hurt another unless they are just a vicious person.
I gave him his journal. I hope he reads it. I hope he misses me. I hope he gets the answers he's looking for. A part of me still wishes that it was me, but I know it's not.
We'll remain friends and stay in touch. But it just won't be the same.
Maybe this will be the last day of tears and I'll move on. But the ache will linger for a while.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Wisdom
"A man's desire is for the woman, but the woman's desire is rarely for other than the desire of the man." Samuel Taylor Coleridge
I got this quote off of Diana's blog and wanted to comment on it here. I believe in the truth of these words. It defines my relationship with Marty. He tended to think I wanted to change him, when in reality, I just wanted to be loved by him. And it seems that once he caught me... that's when everything changed. Story of my life. But I'm still learning.
I'm heading to Austin tomorrow. Leaving on a plane at 9:00 a.m. will arrive in Austin around 11:30. Spoke to Marty tonight (I had to call him, of course) and will rendezvous with him in the afternoon.
So if you're reading, please do send your thoughts, prayers, whatever - my way if you just happen to be thinking about it. I'm going to need all the strength I can get. It's what my friend John keeps telling me. Be strong.
I got this quote off of Diana's blog and wanted to comment on it here. I believe in the truth of these words. It defines my relationship with Marty. He tended to think I wanted to change him, when in reality, I just wanted to be loved by him. And it seems that once he caught me... that's when everything changed. Story of my life. But I'm still learning.
I'm heading to Austin tomorrow. Leaving on a plane at 9:00 a.m. will arrive in Austin around 11:30. Spoke to Marty tonight (I had to call him, of course) and will rendezvous with him in the afternoon.
So if you're reading, please do send your thoughts, prayers, whatever - my way if you just happen to be thinking about it. I'm going to need all the strength I can get. It's what my friend John keeps telling me. Be strong.
Bittersweet
I got this letter from my ex-husband today. I sent him a letter about the annulment and he responded to me about it. It was very bittersweet and I appreciate his words. I needed to hear them. Although we parted amicably and have remained on friendly terms, we left a lot of things unsaid. I think we've covered that now.
Sorry it took me a while to respond to this, but I left for a bike rally friday morning, and I just got this today.
It was very nice to get this letter from you. I want to write more when I've got some time. Your letter was very touching. I too, want to apologize for all the heartache that I caused you over the years, and I know it was a lot. You deserve to be treated a lot better than I treated you, and I'm glad that you are happy, and looking toward a new marriage. I wish you all the luck in the world.
For what it's worth, and though you may not believe me... I did love you so very much. One of my biggest mistakes though, was trying to change you into something that I wanted, instead of learning to appreciate you for the way that you were. For that, I will always be sorry. Since we divorced, I have missed your intellect, your sense of humor, and those little things you used to do that always touched my heart (like the music you recorded for me, and the cards)
I will talk with you about the anullment requirements that you mentioned. I'm not real enthused about digging up old painful issues, but I do want you to be happy, and will do what I can to help you.
I just got word that Ricky's wife Chasity went into the hospital today in labor with the twins, so I'll be a grandfather any second now.
Always...
Richard
Sorry it took me a while to respond to this, but I left for a bike rally friday morning, and I just got this today.
It was very nice to get this letter from you. I want to write more when I've got some time. Your letter was very touching. I too, want to apologize for all the heartache that I caused you over the years, and I know it was a lot. You deserve to be treated a lot better than I treated you, and I'm glad that you are happy, and looking toward a new marriage. I wish you all the luck in the world.
For what it's worth, and though you may not believe me... I did love you so very much. One of my biggest mistakes though, was trying to change you into something that I wanted, instead of learning to appreciate you for the way that you were. For that, I will always be sorry. Since we divorced, I have missed your intellect, your sense of humor, and those little things you used to do that always touched my heart (like the music you recorded for me, and the cards)
I will talk with you about the anullment requirements that you mentioned. I'm not real enthused about digging up old painful issues, but I do want you to be happy, and will do what I can to help you.
I just got word that Ricky's wife Chasity went into the hospital today in labor with the twins, so I'll be a grandfather any second now.
Always...
Richard
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Weirdness
Something weird happened today. I was doing laundry... no, that's not weird... I'm actually keeping up with it. Well, I was about to put a load into the dryer when I noticed something strange. It looked like a stuffed lizard that might have been one of Josh's stuffed toys from his room or something. I picked it up thinking it accidentally was washed with his clothes. It was NOT a stuffed lizard. It was real and quite alive. I don't know what it was really... kind of a salamander/lizard thing but not. It had split tail. After I freaked out momentarily, I picked it up again and took it outside to live in our swamp. (Sewer line area of the back yard) I hope it found a nice home there.
In other news....
So I have this dog. A guest you might say. It is absolutely the cutest and sweetest thing. I placed an ad in the paper last night that will appear by tomorrow. (It's a small town, no daily paper) I know she must belong to someone because her toenails were painted. And she's still young. Definitely not house trained and is very playful. It was strange that she was just sitting on my front porch with her paws on my door like she was expecting to be let in. I went out and picked her up and looked around to see if anyone was shouting for thier missing dog. And I didn't see anyone. I didn't want to just leave her out for fear she would get hit by a car. I'm surprised I haven't seen flyers on telephone poles today. Well, I hope I do find her original owners because I'm sure she's very missed.
I think I only cried twice yesterday. Oh wait... only twice over Marty maybe. But I did cry quite a bit, but it's because I finally watched The Passion of the Christ. And that's all I'll say. It did move me and have an effect, but it's not something I can put into words at the moment.
But I didn't cry at all today. Even when I made a parting gift for Marty. I'm doing better than I thought I'd ever imagine. And I don't think it's because I didn't really love him. I know I did. But I think there's a bigger hand in all of this. And for that I am truly thankful.
I haven't been posting my Wednesday weigh-in's since I stopped going to my aerobics classes (they were over for the session I paid for) and since I got frustrated by the scale. But good things have been happening. It's amazing what tragedy will do for one's appetite. I've cut back on my eating AND I've been walking. And you know what???? The scale today read 170. I haven't been that low since my first year of marriage back in 1999. So I'm very pleased. And I do plan to keep this up. My goal is to lose another 30 lbs.
And I also found out good news on the annulment proceedings. After I spent the time filling out the numerous pages of paperwork and grilling questions, I found out I don't really have to do all that. Because Richard was married before, all I have to do is find his records of his first two marriages and divorces and prove that at least one of his ex-wives is alive and I'll have my marriaged annulled without all the rigamarole. Basically this is because the Church sees that he was still married to his first wife and therefore, not eligible to be married to me. Whew!
In other news....
So I have this dog. A guest you might say. It is absolutely the cutest and sweetest thing. I placed an ad in the paper last night that will appear by tomorrow. (It's a small town, no daily paper) I know she must belong to someone because her toenails were painted. And she's still young. Definitely not house trained and is very playful. It was strange that she was just sitting on my front porch with her paws on my door like she was expecting to be let in. I went out and picked her up and looked around to see if anyone was shouting for thier missing dog. And I didn't see anyone. I didn't want to just leave her out for fear she would get hit by a car. I'm surprised I haven't seen flyers on telephone poles today. Well, I hope I do find her original owners because I'm sure she's very missed.
I think I only cried twice yesterday. Oh wait... only twice over Marty maybe. But I did cry quite a bit, but it's because I finally watched The Passion of the Christ. And that's all I'll say. It did move me and have an effect, but it's not something I can put into words at the moment.
But I didn't cry at all today. Even when I made a parting gift for Marty. I'm doing better than I thought I'd ever imagine. And I don't think it's because I didn't really love him. I know I did. But I think there's a bigger hand in all of this. And for that I am truly thankful.
I haven't been posting my Wednesday weigh-in's since I stopped going to my aerobics classes (they were over for the session I paid for) and since I got frustrated by the scale. But good things have been happening. It's amazing what tragedy will do for one's appetite. I've cut back on my eating AND I've been walking. And you know what???? The scale today read 170. I haven't been that low since my first year of marriage back in 1999. So I'm very pleased. And I do plan to keep this up. My goal is to lose another 30 lbs.
And I also found out good news on the annulment proceedings. After I spent the time filling out the numerous pages of paperwork and grilling questions, I found out I don't really have to do all that. Because Richard was married before, all I have to do is find his records of his first two marriages and divorces and prove that at least one of his ex-wives is alive and I'll have my marriaged annulled without all the rigamarole. Basically this is because the Church sees that he was still married to his first wife and therefore, not eligible to be married to me. Whew!
Monday, April 11, 2005
Miracles
I've been pondering this trip to Austin. It's not the idea of going. I'm determined to do that regardless. But I've been concerned about the fact that it would cost me $125 in gas round trip and my car is not in the best shape. I'm sure it would make it without problems, but it's a lot of wear and tear on it.
And that's where the miracle comes in. O.k. maybe not a true miracle, but something positive. Here's the scoop.
I called my aunt tonight about the puppy I found. She's a dog-lover and I was hoping she could help identify the breed. So I sent a picture via email. I told her about the situation with Marty and driving down to Austin.
She calls me back this evening to let me know what she thinks about the dog (wire-hair daschsund she thinks) and says that Steve, my uncle, has a proposition for me. It turns out he's participating in a gun show this weekend in Houston. (He sells gun grips) And he's offered to fly me to Austin on Thursday and get me a rental car so I can take care of business with Marty. I will then drive to Houston on Friday and help him out with the gun show (doing the money handling) AND he's going to pay me on top of all that. Then I'll drive back to Austin on Sunday and fly home. What a deal.
And that's where the miracle comes in. O.k. maybe not a true miracle, but something positive. Here's the scoop.
I called my aunt tonight about the puppy I found. She's a dog-lover and I was hoping she could help identify the breed. So I sent a picture via email. I told her about the situation with Marty and driving down to Austin.
She calls me back this evening to let me know what she thinks about the dog (wire-hair daschsund she thinks) and says that Steve, my uncle, has a proposition for me. It turns out he's participating in a gun show this weekend in Houston. (He sells gun grips) And he's offered to fly me to Austin on Thursday and get me a rental car so I can take care of business with Marty. I will then drive to Houston on Friday and help him out with the gun show (doing the money handling) AND he's going to pay me on top of all that. Then I'll drive back to Austin on Sunday and fly home. What a deal.
I'm going to be o.k.
Just a note for my dear friends and fellow bloggers that have been worried about me. I'm doing fine. I finally got a good night's sleep last night. (With the help of two tylenol p.m.'s) I'm moving on to acceptance.
I've had friends tell me to NOT drive down to Austin. It will only cause me more pain and he's not worth it.
It will be painful. But it's something I have to do for me. Not for him. I have to let him go. And I have to do it in person. If I don't, it will always feel like unfinished business and that will be more painful in the long run.
Granted my original plan in going down there was to fight for him. To find out the why's. To say or do what I needed to keep him. But I realize he is not mine to keep. I'm not in his heart. And as much as I would like to be there, I can't make him let me in.
I'm putting myself in God's hands and He has taken care of me. To hear that come out of my mouth is quite a shock for me even. But it's true. I'm growing up and I'm growing by the grace of God.
The tears still come every once in a while. But they need to.
And there will be no anger. Because even though perhaps he should have treated me better, or been more honest and all of that, he had a great impact on my life. And I have no regret in having him be a part of it.
I made a gift for his mother that I'm taking with me. I had planned on this even before I knew we weren't going to be together. I wanted to thank her for all her hospitality and treating me like part of their family. It's a shadow box that has a background of flowers, a cross with beads, ribbon and a sentiment that I printed on vellum paper. It reads:
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
The awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beatiful to gaze upon.
The stay in our lives for a while,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never the same.
That is how I feel about them and especially Marty.
I've had friends tell me to NOT drive down to Austin. It will only cause me more pain and he's not worth it.
It will be painful. But it's something I have to do for me. Not for him. I have to let him go. And I have to do it in person. If I don't, it will always feel like unfinished business and that will be more painful in the long run.
Granted my original plan in going down there was to fight for him. To find out the why's. To say or do what I needed to keep him. But I realize he is not mine to keep. I'm not in his heart. And as much as I would like to be there, I can't make him let me in.
I'm putting myself in God's hands and He has taken care of me. To hear that come out of my mouth is quite a shock for me even. But it's true. I'm growing up and I'm growing by the grace of God.
The tears still come every once in a while. But they need to.
And there will be no anger. Because even though perhaps he should have treated me better, or been more honest and all of that, he had a great impact on my life. And I have no regret in having him be a part of it.
I made a gift for his mother that I'm taking with me. I had planned on this even before I knew we weren't going to be together. I wanted to thank her for all her hospitality and treating me like part of their family. It's a shadow box that has a background of flowers, a cross with beads, ribbon and a sentiment that I printed on vellum paper. It reads:
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
The awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beatiful to gaze upon.
The stay in our lives for a while,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never the same.
That is how I feel about them and especially Marty.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Poetry revisited
I posted this poem I wrote in one of my earlier blogs. It seems somewhat fitting again now. The only thing is that I'm not feeling angry. Just deep sorrow. Maybe it's because I've grown up some since I wrote this about another love from the past. Or maybe it's because I was truly IN love this time. Or maybe it's just that the anger will come later. I don't know. Sometimes being angry seems to make things easier, but I'm not. I do wish Marty had been more honest with me when things changed for him, but I guess everything happens in it's own time. But the truth in the end is what speaks to me now. I'm not sure of my ability to love again.
Broken Heart
Do you ever feel so angry
You just want to throw something?
Smash a glass into a million
Pieces as they fly in every direction.
Like my heart broken for what
Seems like the millionth time.
Such a fragile piece
It should be handled ever so gently
I give it to you so willingly
Yet you toy with it.
Toss it from here to there
Break it every once in a while—
But no need to worry – somehow
It always gets mended.
But there is a time when
Something has been broken so often
It cannot be repaired.
Cracks and holes are left
Reminders of a previous pain
An object that is so fragile
Not a single soul can touch it.
Broken Heart
Do you ever feel so angry
You just want to throw something?
Smash a glass into a million
Pieces as they fly in every direction.
Like my heart broken for what
Seems like the millionth time.
Such a fragile piece
It should be handled ever so gently
I give it to you so willingly
Yet you toy with it.
Toss it from here to there
Break it every once in a while—
But no need to worry – somehow
It always gets mended.
But there is a time when
Something has been broken so often
It cannot be repaired.
Cracks and holes are left
Reminders of a previous pain
An object that is so fragile
Not a single soul can touch it.
Gifted Words
I didn't write the following. It came from a very talented writer named Ellie. If you have never happened upon her blog, please do take the time to check out her writings. I don't know who she wrote this for, if it was for herself or someone else. But it spoke volumes to my heart.
I know what you're looking for. I used to look for it, too. But you won't find your answer here. In fact, although I may know about it, I'm not at the root of it. Like you.
Like I once was.
Even from this distance, with the benefit of time to separate me from the initial wounds, I can feel your pain as if it were my own. Really, I can. I know what it's like to love big, to give everything you've got, then give a little more. To find your joy hidden in the creases of another's smile instead of your own. To be so in love it rides on your breath and everyone around you can taste it in your laugh.
Then to wake up one day feeling as if the air has been stolen from your lungs.
So you go looking for scraps, hoping to make sense of it all. But it doesn't. It never will. All you can do is wonder and hope and cry, because no degree of emotional or spiritual work ever fully prepares you for this. They'll tell you suffering is a choice. I'll tell you that's bullshit. They'll tell you it isn't about you. I'll tell you it doesn't matter. Somewhere in the shadowy corners of your mind you will never fully believe there wasn't something you could have done differently. Better.
It wasn't that long ago we walked behind you. Now you walk with us. Not in sorrow, but in sisterhood.
You are loved.
Today is another day. I know I'm going to make it. It still hurts, but I'm moving on to acceptance. Because I have to.
I know what you're looking for. I used to look for it, too. But you won't find your answer here. In fact, although I may know about it, I'm not at the root of it. Like you.
Like I once was.
Even from this distance, with the benefit of time to separate me from the initial wounds, I can feel your pain as if it were my own. Really, I can. I know what it's like to love big, to give everything you've got, then give a little more. To find your joy hidden in the creases of another's smile instead of your own. To be so in love it rides on your breath and everyone around you can taste it in your laugh.
Then to wake up one day feeling as if the air has been stolen from your lungs.
So you go looking for scraps, hoping to make sense of it all. But it doesn't. It never will. All you can do is wonder and hope and cry, because no degree of emotional or spiritual work ever fully prepares you for this. They'll tell you suffering is a choice. I'll tell you that's bullshit. They'll tell you it isn't about you. I'll tell you it doesn't matter. Somewhere in the shadowy corners of your mind you will never fully believe there wasn't something you could have done differently. Better.
It wasn't that long ago we walked behind you. Now you walk with us. Not in sorrow, but in sisterhood.
You are loved.
Today is another day. I know I'm going to make it. It still hurts, but I'm moving on to acceptance. Because I have to.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Pain
The pain is indescribable at the moment. My fears were well founded. He’s not sure what he wants, but his feelings have changed and he needs time. He tried to say that he can’t say for certain that he wants to call it completely quits, but deep down and as much as it hurts, I know it’s already over. He loves me, but he’s not in love with me, you see. And frankly I can’t do anything about that. I know this. As much as I want to say or do something I know I can’t and it really hurts. I just can’t figure out why I want to hold on so badly.
You know I saw it coming. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I knew things weren’t well. Despite clinging to the tiniest bit of hope, I knew that things were off. And I know I have to let go. I know this. Doesn’t mean I like it or I can accept it at this point. It will be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
I know what you’re thinking… you’ll be better off. He wasn’t treating you right anyways. Maybe so, but the fact remains having to lose the person I fell in love with isn’t easy to deal with. I know it takes time and perhaps I’ll heal eventually. It’s hard to conceive that at this moment. It’s difficult to imagine ever falling in love again or letting someone else have my heart. You see I keep giving it away and it’s getting to the point there’s not much left of it any more. Call me bitter, but is it so wrong to want someone to simply love you?
I just don’t understand. And maybe I never will. I’m already 35 years old. Will I ever get it right? Will I ever make a good decision when it comes to relationships?
I’m driving to Austin on Thursday. I’m going to let him do it face to face. I at least deserve that. Besides I already paid for the hotel that was going to be our getaway. I think I need it for closure. The next several days will probably be the longest of my life. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I have so much swirling inside at the moment and I can’t get it all out.
I cried sitting on my shower floor this afternoon. It was the only place I could getaway for the moment. I decided to head to my favorite park where I could sit under the shade of the trees and just think and write, but it was full of people. What do you expect on such a nice spring day? So I came back to Canyon. I forced myself to eat something though my appetite is really completely gone. (One positive note in all of this, I weighed 173 today… lowest it’s been in over a year.)
Now I’m sitting in a parking lot. I’m tired of crying, but the tears just keep coming. I spent some time writing in Marty’s journal. I bought this journal back in January and started writing to him in it. My goal was to give it to him when he returned from Alaska. I guess I’ll give it to him before he goes. I don’t see a point in keeping it really. It was for him.
I don't know what else to say at this point. Hopefully I'll get things sorted out in time. For now I know it's just going to have to hurt. A lot. For a while. And I can't do anything about it.
You know I saw it coming. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I knew things weren’t well. Despite clinging to the tiniest bit of hope, I knew that things were off. And I know I have to let go. I know this. Doesn’t mean I like it or I can accept it at this point. It will be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.
I know what you’re thinking… you’ll be better off. He wasn’t treating you right anyways. Maybe so, but the fact remains having to lose the person I fell in love with isn’t easy to deal with. I know it takes time and perhaps I’ll heal eventually. It’s hard to conceive that at this moment. It’s difficult to imagine ever falling in love again or letting someone else have my heart. You see I keep giving it away and it’s getting to the point there’s not much left of it any more. Call me bitter, but is it so wrong to want someone to simply love you?
I just don’t understand. And maybe I never will. I’m already 35 years old. Will I ever get it right? Will I ever make a good decision when it comes to relationships?
I’m driving to Austin on Thursday. I’m going to let him do it face to face. I at least deserve that. Besides I already paid for the hotel that was going to be our getaway. I think I need it for closure. The next several days will probably be the longest of my life. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I have so much swirling inside at the moment and I can’t get it all out.
I cried sitting on my shower floor this afternoon. It was the only place I could getaway for the moment. I decided to head to my favorite park where I could sit under the shade of the trees and just think and write, but it was full of people. What do you expect on such a nice spring day? So I came back to Canyon. I forced myself to eat something though my appetite is really completely gone. (One positive note in all of this, I weighed 173 today… lowest it’s been in over a year.)
Now I’m sitting in a parking lot. I’m tired of crying, but the tears just keep coming. I spent some time writing in Marty’s journal. I bought this journal back in January and started writing to him in it. My goal was to give it to him when he returned from Alaska. I guess I’ll give it to him before he goes. I don’t see a point in keeping it really. It was for him.
I don't know what else to say at this point. Hopefully I'll get things sorted out in time. For now I know it's just going to have to hurt. A lot. For a while. And I can't do anything about it.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Got a bad feeling
I haven't heard from Marty since Wednesday morning. No, it's not that long of a time period, but given that he's supposed to be flying to Austin sometime next week and I'm supposed to be driving down there to meet him, it would be nice to know what's going on.
I tried to call him several times today but he won't answer. He did, however, have time to call his mom. I think he's avoiding me. I think he thinks I've gone psycho. I haven't, I just don't like being left in the dark so to speak.
I also think he's planning to break up with me. I think he thinks I can't handle the separation and it would be easier on me. He's so very wrong, but I'm not sure I can convince him of that. It's truly not the separation that is giving me issues. It's the non-communication that is. It's the fact that when I do talk to him it's like it is an inconvenience to him. It's the fact that he doesn't seem to be as interested in me as he once was. He denies all of this saying he hasn't changed, but there's a marked difference in his demeanor. And it's probably my fault for the way I've been acting. I don't mean to get this way, but I can't help speculating and worrying and being frustrated.
I still want to see him. If he is going to do it, I hope he has to courage to do it to my face rather than taking a cowards way out on the phone or in an email. And if he doesn't plan to break up I hope that we clear some issues up before he heads to Alaska.
I just can't shake the bad feeling I have.
I tried to call him several times today but he won't answer. He did, however, have time to call his mom. I think he's avoiding me. I think he thinks I've gone psycho. I haven't, I just don't like being left in the dark so to speak.
I also think he's planning to break up with me. I think he thinks I can't handle the separation and it would be easier on me. He's so very wrong, but I'm not sure I can convince him of that. It's truly not the separation that is giving me issues. It's the non-communication that is. It's the fact that when I do talk to him it's like it is an inconvenience to him. It's the fact that he doesn't seem to be as interested in me as he once was. He denies all of this saying he hasn't changed, but there's a marked difference in his demeanor. And it's probably my fault for the way I've been acting. I don't mean to get this way, but I can't help speculating and worrying and being frustrated.
I still want to see him. If he is going to do it, I hope he has to courage to do it to my face rather than taking a cowards way out on the phone or in an email. And if he doesn't plan to break up I hope that we clear some issues up before he heads to Alaska.
I just can't shake the bad feeling I have.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
A Daunting Task
As if I don't have enough things to pile on my plate. I got the packet from the Amarillo diocese to have my marriage declared null by the Catholic Church. In addition to the 18 pages of questions that need to be filled out, I have to supply my marriage certificate, divorce decree, baptism certificate, and it will cost $450.
It's a lot of stuff to drum up from my past. But I think it will be worth it. It will allow me to start with a clean slate. And then if/when I do become Catholic, I will be free to marry in the Church. That may or may not be Marty. I do hope it is, but I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for myself.
So I have to find witnesses to help validate the fact that my marriage should not be considered valid. I asked my friend Robin via email if she would consider being a witness for me. Even though we haven't talked in the last few years, she was there as my matron of honor and she got me through some tough times during the marriage.
I also need to tell Richard about doing this. I'm not sure I can handle telling him over the phone. I seem to bumble words when I don't get the chance to think about what I'm saying beforehand. (Like I did with Marty on the phone last night) So I think I'll write him a letter.
O.k. for a little clarification on Marty. The reason why he's not coming to Amarillo is because the company that books the travel for the military said it would be next to impossible to get him from Amarillo to Alaska without a lot of problems. To fly from Amarillo means layovers with some overnight stays and it would mean he'd have to leave even earlier. But it was also that he didn't want to spend a day driving up there.... so it is understandable and still frustrating. I don't mind going down to Austin to spend time with him as I was going to go anyways to pick him up. I'm working around it by kidnapping him for an evening that we'll have to ourselves. I think it will be great. I know he's been reconsidering things between us because he thinks that I'm not handling the distance very well... which is sort of true... I'm not handling it because he hasn't been really "in" to me for a while.. so it's a catch-22.
I know, I know... the red flags. O.k. for me, maybe they're more pink. If the visit next week doesn't go well, then I'll have to reconsider things. But I'm keeping a spark of optimism in my heart that we'll get on the right track. Is that so wrong?
Bottom line is that I still love him and I know he still loves me and I think we have something that shouldn't be discarded because of some sticky issues right now. Sure, the distance thing isn't helping, but I'm really, really trying to deal with it. Like Diana... I have a plan.
So wish me luck that in whatever happens that I find resolution. Hopefully it will be the way I want, and if not, I guess I'll live. Maybe. Probably. O.k. I will, but I won't like it... let's just keep thinking positive! Good thoughts, good thoughts.
It's a lot of stuff to drum up from my past. But I think it will be worth it. It will allow me to start with a clean slate. And then if/when I do become Catholic, I will be free to marry in the Church. That may or may not be Marty. I do hope it is, but I'm not doing this for him. I'm doing it for myself.
So I have to find witnesses to help validate the fact that my marriage should not be considered valid. I asked my friend Robin via email if she would consider being a witness for me. Even though we haven't talked in the last few years, she was there as my matron of honor and she got me through some tough times during the marriage.
I also need to tell Richard about doing this. I'm not sure I can handle telling him over the phone. I seem to bumble words when I don't get the chance to think about what I'm saying beforehand. (Like I did with Marty on the phone last night) So I think I'll write him a letter.
O.k. for a little clarification on Marty. The reason why he's not coming to Amarillo is because the company that books the travel for the military said it would be next to impossible to get him from Amarillo to Alaska without a lot of problems. To fly from Amarillo means layovers with some overnight stays and it would mean he'd have to leave even earlier. But it was also that he didn't want to spend a day driving up there.... so it is understandable and still frustrating. I don't mind going down to Austin to spend time with him as I was going to go anyways to pick him up. I'm working around it by kidnapping him for an evening that we'll have to ourselves. I think it will be great. I know he's been reconsidering things between us because he thinks that I'm not handling the distance very well... which is sort of true... I'm not handling it because he hasn't been really "in" to me for a while.. so it's a catch-22.
I know, I know... the red flags. O.k. for me, maybe they're more pink. If the visit next week doesn't go well, then I'll have to reconsider things. But I'm keeping a spark of optimism in my heart that we'll get on the right track. Is that so wrong?
Bottom line is that I still love him and I know he still loves me and I think we have something that shouldn't be discarded because of some sticky issues right now. Sure, the distance thing isn't helping, but I'm really, really trying to deal with it. Like Diana... I have a plan.
So wish me luck that in whatever happens that I find resolution. Hopefully it will be the way I want, and if not, I guess I'll live. Maybe. Probably. O.k. I will, but I won't like it... let's just keep thinking positive! Good thoughts, good thoughts.
To Be So Lucky
DEAR ABBY: We all hear that it's hard work maintaining a good marriage or parenting an adolescent. However, really small but loving gestures often have the most impact.
My college roommate's father is a wonderful example of that. Every night at the dinner table, he thanks his wife for the meal she just served. And every night at bedtime, he kisses the back of his daughter's hand and tells her that he loves her.
Is it any wonder that their family doesn't complain of feeling unappreciated or unloved? I feel privileged to be a part of their "second family." -- PRIVILEGED IN BALTIMORE
DEAR PRIVILEGED: The gestures you have described are not "small." They are important messages that spouses and children need to hear. Yes, actions speak louder than words -- and expressions of affection and gratitude do no one any good if they're hoarded.
My college roommate's father is a wonderful example of that. Every night at the dinner table, he thanks his wife for the meal she just served. And every night at bedtime, he kisses the back of his daughter's hand and tells her that he loves her.
Is it any wonder that their family doesn't complain of feeling unappreciated or unloved? I feel privileged to be a part of their "second family." -- PRIVILEGED IN BALTIMORE
DEAR PRIVILEGED: The gestures you have described are not "small." They are important messages that spouses and children need to hear. Yes, actions speak louder than words -- and expressions of affection and gratitude do no one any good if they're hoarded.
Wittiness
In the car this morning as I'm taking Josh to school:
Me: This wind sucks.
Josh: No, it blows.
He then proceeds to tell me that he thinks it's the effects of a low pressure system and what exactly that is.
I just love this kid.
Me: This wind sucks.
Josh: No, it blows.
He then proceeds to tell me that he thinks it's the effects of a low pressure system and what exactly that is.
I just love this kid.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Certifiably Insane
O.k. maybe I am. At least that's what Marty is thinking. I guess I'm still being a drama queen making things more tragic than what they are. And I admit I've not been the best when talking to him. I've had an attitude issue and not been appreciative of him when he does call. Don't get me wrong. There has been a definite difference in some things with him, but I'm going to attribute it to stress and nothing more. O.k. I'm going to try to do that. Let's do keep it honest.
Here is my solemn vow:
I will take Marty at his word and believe that he loves me and that hasn't changed.
I will have the hope that we will end up in love and live happily ever after.
I will enjoy the last few days that I'll have with him and not get upset over the fact that he's not going to come to Amarillo.
I will stop crying over all of this.
And this is just for Marty... kind of an "I told you so."
annabel_lee_tx (9:32:43 PM): I'm serious though... I can be a hard person to love
mullog (9:32:57 PM): that's ok
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:01 PM): I may not be worth the effort
mullog (9:33:08 PM): I think I can handle it
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:22 PM): can I quote you on that later?
mullog (9:33:30 PM): yes
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:52 PM): you may eat those words
mullog (9:34:55 PM): words are less fattening then pizza
Here is my solemn vow:
I will take Marty at his word and believe that he loves me and that hasn't changed.
I will have the hope that we will end up in love and live happily ever after.
I will enjoy the last few days that I'll have with him and not get upset over the fact that he's not going to come to Amarillo.
I will stop crying over all of this.
And this is just for Marty... kind of an "I told you so."
annabel_lee_tx (9:32:43 PM): I'm serious though... I can be a hard person to love
mullog (9:32:57 PM): that's ok
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:01 PM): I may not be worth the effort
mullog (9:33:08 PM): I think I can handle it
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:22 PM): can I quote you on that later?
mullog (9:33:30 PM): yes
annabel_lee_tx (9:33:52 PM): you may eat those words
mullog (9:34:55 PM): words are less fattening then pizza
Monday, April 04, 2005
More uncertainty
Had a rough day yesterday. Talked to Marty. He started acting as though he didn't want to make plans to come to Amarillo at all even though I was planning on driving down to Austin to meet him and bring him here. I know it boils down to whenever he can get his flight to Alaska, but it's very frustrating because he tells me one thing and then says, but maybe not.
I asked him that if I didn't come down to Austin, if he could leave just like that without seeing me and he said yes. He said that he's used to this after being in the military for 14 years and he just can without it bothering him. O.k. fine. I understand that, but what gets me is that he's not even thinking about me. Fine, so he can handle it. He knows that I can't. He knows that I need a good-bye. Sometimes in a relationship you've got to stop thinking about yourself and think about what your partner needs. I'm trying to do that. Sometimes I think I'm the only one trying in this relationship. He reeled me in, and now it's like he's leaving me hanging. I think Marty doesn't understand that relationships aren't easy and they take WORK. Especially long distance ones. And yet he wanted it. Now that he's got me, I wonder if he thinks "Well, that's it. I don't have to do any more." I guess I need more than he's willing/able to give. Problem is that I can't just let go. I keep fighting. I don't give up easily. It's why I stayed in my marriage for 2 years more than I should have.
It's just that I'm in love with him and I can't shake that. I love him more than I've loved any other man. But I'm to a point wondering is love simply enough?
I asked him that if I didn't come down to Austin, if he could leave just like that without seeing me and he said yes. He said that he's used to this after being in the military for 14 years and he just can without it bothering him. O.k. fine. I understand that, but what gets me is that he's not even thinking about me. Fine, so he can handle it. He knows that I can't. He knows that I need a good-bye. Sometimes in a relationship you've got to stop thinking about yourself and think about what your partner needs. I'm trying to do that. Sometimes I think I'm the only one trying in this relationship. He reeled me in, and now it's like he's leaving me hanging. I think Marty doesn't understand that relationships aren't easy and they take WORK. Especially long distance ones. And yet he wanted it. Now that he's got me, I wonder if he thinks "Well, that's it. I don't have to do any more." I guess I need more than he's willing/able to give. Problem is that I can't just let go. I keep fighting. I don't give up easily. It's why I stayed in my marriage for 2 years more than I should have.
It's just that I'm in love with him and I can't shake that. I love him more than I've loved any other man. But I'm to a point wondering is love simply enough?
Sunday, April 03, 2005
New Do
Here's the new hair cut. Very short for me. It's really easy to take care of, I'm still not certain about it though. 
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Grrrrrrrrrrr
I hate computers. I really do. Oh, yes, I can't live without them, but I really hate them sometimes. Mmmmm... they're kind of like men aren't they?
I switched computers with Josh. His still needs a few things like Word installed, but it's more usuable than the other one. Now, all I want is to get some files off the old one. And now I can't turn it on. Nope, can't just push the little button and turn it on.
It's time like these I really, really, really wish I had a man around. Yeah, I know, sometimes it's more trouble to have them around, but they do come in handy. My brother has been helping me out and I really appreciate it, but he has to make special trips to come to Canyon to do it.
I guess there's not a lot I can do about it can I? Except bitch and moan. Is it time to go shopping?
I switched computers with Josh. His still needs a few things like Word installed, but it's more usuable than the other one. Now, all I want is to get some files off the old one. And now I can't turn it on. Nope, can't just push the little button and turn it on.
It's time like these I really, really, really wish I had a man around. Yeah, I know, sometimes it's more trouble to have them around, but they do come in handy. My brother has been helping me out and I really appreciate it, but he has to make special trips to come to Canyon to do it.
I guess there's not a lot I can do about it can I? Except bitch and moan. Is it time to go shopping?
Yummy
There's nothing like leftover Vanilla Bean Cheescake from TGIFriday's for breakfast. It's quite yummy.
O.k. I'm calmer today. I hope Marty calls, but I'll be o.k. if he doesn't. I'm not sure what my plans are for today. I need to do a little cleaning, but it won't take long.
Weather is supposed to be nice this weekend. Perhaps I should tackle the garage/attic. Given that I have no life, I guess it couldn't hurt.
I solved another problem. I've been trying to figure out how to back up the files from Josh's computer to the new computer. The CD burner no longer works. I wasn't sure if I should invest in a new burner. My brother mentioned that he might have an extra one. But I wanted to go ahead and back stuff up so I could possibly reformat the hard drive on the other computer. So I went to best buy to check out the external burners. Cheapest was around $80. Which was o.k. But then I got an idea. I decided to go with a jump drive. I'll have to transfer in bits and pieces, but I can find what I want, put it on the jump drive, then burn CD's on my laptop. A lot of the stuff I just want as backup files anyways. And the thing about the jump drive is that I can use it for work when I need to give schools their budget information or a copy of their cover. I think I made a very practical decision. I got a 512MB for $50. And that's my last big purchase for the month. I do have some extra money coming in eventually for the cheerleading scoring I did. I'm doing that again next week. Then perhaps the IRS will send me my $130 earned income credit that I was supposed to get. I'm probably going to be headed to Austin to get Marty week after next. I'll need a little extra money for that.
I'd like to do something special for Marty while he's here, but I'm not sure what. Any ideas?
O.k. I'm calmer today. I hope Marty calls, but I'll be o.k. if he doesn't. I'm not sure what my plans are for today. I need to do a little cleaning, but it won't take long.
Weather is supposed to be nice this weekend. Perhaps I should tackle the garage/attic. Given that I have no life, I guess it couldn't hurt.
I solved another problem. I've been trying to figure out how to back up the files from Josh's computer to the new computer. The CD burner no longer works. I wasn't sure if I should invest in a new burner. My brother mentioned that he might have an extra one. But I wanted to go ahead and back stuff up so I could possibly reformat the hard drive on the other computer. So I went to best buy to check out the external burners. Cheapest was around $80. Which was o.k. But then I got an idea. I decided to go with a jump drive. I'll have to transfer in bits and pieces, but I can find what I want, put it on the jump drive, then burn CD's on my laptop. A lot of the stuff I just want as backup files anyways. And the thing about the jump drive is that I can use it for work when I need to give schools their budget information or a copy of their cover. I think I made a very practical decision. I got a 512MB for $50. And that's my last big purchase for the month. I do have some extra money coming in eventually for the cheerleading scoring I did. I'm doing that again next week. Then perhaps the IRS will send me my $130 earned income credit that I was supposed to get. I'm probably going to be headed to Austin to get Marty week after next. I'll need a little extra money for that.
I'd like to do something special for Marty while he's here, but I'm not sure what. Any ideas?
Showcase is over
Well, overall the show was very good. They had a lot of good music choices this year. Josh said it was the best yet. It would have been better for me had my clarinet not had two keys that got stuck in the middle of playing. So I faked about half of it. But oh well. I still enjoyed just being a part of it. I would have to say I did a better job singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic at the end. (Soprano, even) Afterwards, I ran into a few friends from college and we went to TGIFridays for dinner. We had a lot of fun. Some people that got to see Josh for the first time in several years were impressed by him. I love that he still loves music. I think he will make a fine career out of it. So when he wins the academy award for best musical score... remember this blog.
Still not sure about the deal with Marty. I guess I'll just leave him alone and when he calls, he'll call. I shouldn't force the issue and frankly I'm just tired of playing the guessing game with him.
I'm actually looking forward to going to Mass on Sunday. It will probably be quite solemn given the condition of the Pope. I do hope he is at peace soon.
I guess I'm getting used to my hair. Maybe it's not as bad as I thought. It is MUCH easier to style and it doesn't need much upkeep. Still not sure. Josh says it makes me look older. I'm thinking maybe I look a little thinner in the face with it. O.k. I'll take a picture this weekend and let you be the judge.
Well, off to bed. I'm really tired. Good thing I don't have to do anything or go anywhere tomorrow.
Still not sure about the deal with Marty. I guess I'll just leave him alone and when he calls, he'll call. I shouldn't force the issue and frankly I'm just tired of playing the guessing game with him.
I'm actually looking forward to going to Mass on Sunday. It will probably be quite solemn given the condition of the Pope. I do hope he is at peace soon.
I guess I'm getting used to my hair. Maybe it's not as bad as I thought. It is MUCH easier to style and it doesn't need much upkeep. Still not sure. Josh says it makes me look older. I'm thinking maybe I look a little thinner in the face with it. O.k. I'll take a picture this weekend and let you be the judge.
Well, off to bed. I'm really tired. Good thing I don't have to do anything or go anywhere tomorrow.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Butchered Hair and a Bad Mood
First things first. I did get the haircut. It looks nothing like the picture I took. She just kept getting shorter and shorter. And I didn't say anything. I was a bit nervous. Her hands were shaking. I don't know if it's that my hair just won't style the way I want it, or if it's too short, or what. As soon as I left I ran to walmart to get a thinner curling iron so I could add my own curls to it. I came home and washed the gunk she put in it to style with. It was nasty.
So I've styled it myself now. I guess it's not just horrible, but it seems shorter than I had planned. Good news is that my hair grows fast. If I feel up to it, I'll post a picture of it.
Note to self: Find a good stylist. Don't worry about the money. It will be worth it in the long run.
Talked to Marty today. If that's what you call it. He didn't have any answers I was hoping for, he didn't seem at all interested in talking with me. It seemed like I called at a bad time, but he wasn't at work. He had just gotten back from taking his ex to the doctor and was installing a game. Yeah... important stuff. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm thinking that I'm never going to be that important to him. Is that so wrong? To feel wanted, special, important, loved? Maybe so for a guy like him. And yet I fell in love with him. What's a girl to do?
So now I'm in a bad mood. I have to get ready to leave to go to Amarillo for the Showcase rehersal. I'm hoping that becoming a part of music again tonight will lift my spirits. It usually does. I really miss it.
So I've styled it myself now. I guess it's not just horrible, but it seems shorter than I had planned. Good news is that my hair grows fast. If I feel up to it, I'll post a picture of it.
Note to self: Find a good stylist. Don't worry about the money. It will be worth it in the long run.
Talked to Marty today. If that's what you call it. He didn't have any answers I was hoping for, he didn't seem at all interested in talking with me. It seemed like I called at a bad time, but he wasn't at work. He had just gotten back from taking his ex to the doctor and was installing a game. Yeah... important stuff. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm thinking that I'm never going to be that important to him. Is that so wrong? To feel wanted, special, important, loved? Maybe so for a guy like him. And yet I fell in love with him. What's a girl to do?
So now I'm in a bad mood. I have to get ready to leave to go to Amarillo for the Showcase rehersal. I'm hoping that becoming a part of music again tonight will lift my spirits. It usually does. I really miss it.
It's Friday
Yeah, so? Luckily I have the day off, mostly. I do need to check on an issue with a school, but will try to accomplish that via email. I need to submit a cover spec, but that should take about 30 seconds.
I have to take the boys to the vet this moring. (Shhhh.. don't tell them they're dogs.) Hopefully they'll get some medicine that works. I've been trying to call the groomer so Max can get a haircut, but they don't seem to answer any more. Perhaps they've gone out of business or something. I guess I can find a groomer in Amarillo, but it would be a pain to drive him up there and then go back later to pick him up. But he's got to be groomed. He looks like a walking mop. I don't know how he knows where he's going as I'm pretty sure he can barely see.
I'm disappointed that I didn't hear from Marty. I briefly got a message Wed. night stating that he was going to bed with a bad headache. I heard nothing from him yesterday. From what I understand, he was supposed to get some details about his plans yesterday. Part of me wants to call him, but then I start thinking "Well, if he wants to talk to me, he'll call me." And I hate thinking like that. Why are relationships so complex? I just don't know where he is in his heart and his head half the time and it's very frustrating.
So I think I'll go get my hair cut. That's always an answer right? Either get your hair done or go shopping! Hmmm, maybe both? Oh, yeah, I'm kind of broke. Well, I think I can get enough money for a hair cut. And dinner tonight. It's kind of a tradtion to go out after Showcase.
And if my readers actually lived here, I'd invite all of you to come. It's really a wonderful performance. I've either gone to show case or participated in it for about the last 20 years or so. And now Josh loves going to it. As soon as it was over last year he started talking about going to it this year.
Well, I better get ready to head to amarillo with the d.o.g.s. They're going for a R.I.D.E. (And yes, they can spell. Sometimes we've used ig-pay atin-lay to throw them off.)
Hope everyone has a great Friday!
I have to take the boys to the vet this moring. (Shhhh.. don't tell them they're dogs.) Hopefully they'll get some medicine that works. I've been trying to call the groomer so Max can get a haircut, but they don't seem to answer any more. Perhaps they've gone out of business or something. I guess I can find a groomer in Amarillo, but it would be a pain to drive him up there and then go back later to pick him up. But he's got to be groomed. He looks like a walking mop. I don't know how he knows where he's going as I'm pretty sure he can barely see.
I'm disappointed that I didn't hear from Marty. I briefly got a message Wed. night stating that he was going to bed with a bad headache. I heard nothing from him yesterday. From what I understand, he was supposed to get some details about his plans yesterday. Part of me wants to call him, but then I start thinking "Well, if he wants to talk to me, he'll call me." And I hate thinking like that. Why are relationships so complex? I just don't know where he is in his heart and his head half the time and it's very frustrating.
So I think I'll go get my hair cut. That's always an answer right? Either get your hair done or go shopping! Hmmm, maybe both? Oh, yeah, I'm kind of broke. Well, I think I can get enough money for a hair cut. And dinner tonight. It's kind of a tradtion to go out after Showcase.
And if my readers actually lived here, I'd invite all of you to come. It's really a wonderful performance. I've either gone to show case or participated in it for about the last 20 years or so. And now Josh loves going to it. As soon as it was over last year he started talking about going to it this year.
Well, I better get ready to head to amarillo with the d.o.g.s. They're going for a R.I.D.E. (And yes, they can spell. Sometimes we've used ig-pay atin-lay to throw them off.)
Hope everyone has a great Friday!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
