Wednesday, March 09, 2005


I don't want to report today's weigh-in, but I will anyways. I'm quite disappointed, but am hoping it's water weight due to the fact that perhaps I may actually have a period this month. Today's weight was a disappointing 179. I'm finished with my aerobics class as I only paid for the first session and can't afford the the second. I'm still being mostly good. I've only laxed a little on the one coke a day thing. Still no fast food. No alcohol. Eating before 7:30.

Well I got my wedding dress. It needs to be cleaned on the bottom where I walked on the stage and it got dirty. (I was married in a theatre) and it's so pretty. I hope someone will love the dress as much as I did. I'll post pictures of it soon.

My friend was very polite. We made a little small talk and then had to rush to leave as I was parked in someone else's spot that wanted it back. It just felt a little weird. To be talking to her after 3 years. Told her I was dating Marty. She thought that was neat. And that's it. Can't say we're rekindling a friendship, but I at least opened the door. We'll see if she takes any steps.

I got to talk to Marty online last night. It was nice, but I'm still frustrated by not getting to talk to him on the phone. He said he was going to send me some money. I told him not to and that my problems were mine to deal with, but he's stubborn too. (But never as stubborn as I am) I don't know if he'll do it. And if he does I don't know if I should refuse it, graciously accept it or take it as a loan to pay back. Money is always a weird thing. I feel that it's my fault for getting complacent and depending on the child support knowing how flaky Josh's dad has been in the past. And I need to deal with it. But if someone, namely my boyfriend, offers to help me out, I don't know what to do. It's kind of a pride thing. But then again, it would really help. And then again, I'd feel kind of guilty about it if I took it. If I took it as a loan, I'd worry about paying it back. If I refused it, I might hurt his feelings.

You know, I've lived on far less than I do now and I'll figure out a way to manage. When I was in college, I survived on $156 a month in AFDC, food stamps, a pell grant that gave me about $1200 each semester, and workstudy that paid minimum wage and only about 20 hours a week. That's a little less than $500 a month. I don't know how I did it. I do know that is why one of my credit cards is maxed out. But I did survive and finish school (with honors).

I remember one painful moment though. I just had Josh for about a month. I went to see my parents and I had no formula. (I did not breast feed) I had to ask my dad for $10 to get some formula until my food stamps & WIC kicked in the next month. It was really difficult. I felt like I had failed. I took the responsibility of getting pregnant and having Josh to heart and was determined to not be like my sister. I had to swallow a lot of pride to ask for that money and I cried on the way home. I since learned that sometimes it was o.k. and necessary to ask for help (especially baby-sitting), but I never asked for money again. Sometimes it was offered, but I sincerely did it all on my own. That's why it's hard for me to accept such a kindness. I could never ask for it, but when it's offered, I still don't know what to do.

Trying to keep my chin up and be hopeful. I'm almost looking forward to cleaning out the attic, garage and shed during spring break. But I did say almost.

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