Sunday, October 21, 2007

I feel surge of anger coming on

I guess it's just one of those days. I can't explain it really. I feel a bit emotional today and I don't like it. I think it started in Sunday school class. I opened my big mouth complaining about my single status. You see we're discussing our "calling" of sorts and according to John Paul the II's Theology of the Body we're called to a state of either marriage or celibacy. I don't have a problem with that. I'm currently living in a very celibate and chaste state. I still don't like being single so I'm wondering what is in store for me. I'm upset that as a single person I get overlooked within the church. There's all sorts of programs for couples to participate in. If you're part of a family, you are often invited to carry the gifts up to the alter. Most of our adult class discussions are focused on people that are married. There's really not enough single people within our parish to warrant any kind of singles group. It was suggested today that perhaps there should be something organized within the diocese. Well, there's nothing out there either. I don't have the time or capability of putting something together. So I guess I'm left with nothing. And it's not really a matter of not having someone to date... it's a matter of being alone.

I went to see Josh in the musical again today. I was looking forward to it being over so that I might actually see him again. I was planning to make fajitas for dinner. Turns out he is going out with the cast to eat at Chili's. So I'm here alone wondering what to do about supper. Alone.

You know ever since I made the decision to get involved in church again, to make a commitment to God and to live a chaste life, I haven't had a date. I often wonder if perhaps it is my punishment for living such a sinful life for so many years. I know that some people only see God as being benevolent, loving and forgiving; but it's hard to let go of the thought maybe it's simply what I deserve. As bad as my marriage was, at least I had someone to talk to. When I would come home after a bad day, Richard was at least always there to listen. Now I don't have anyone. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have blogging. Being able to read about other people that I consider to be my friends and have them comment on my blog makes it more bearable.

I know all the same old lines.... if you quit looking, prince charming will show up. You have to be happy with yourself before you can find happiness in another. Be patient. Pray about it. I KNOW ALL THIS. I do pray about it. I'm just sick of it right now. And tired. I'm really just tired.

Sorry about the rant. I'll get over it by tomorrow. I have to. I can't dwell on it. But today is just hitting me hard. Yes, I know I have a lot of good things going on in my life. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I just feel very alone despite all appearances.

7 comments:

mapiprincesa! said...

I have just stumbled upon you through Andrew's recommendation. You have a new reader. I admire your thoughts and your reflections. Thanks for sharing...

Mary said...

You aren't alone with all those emotions. Believe me I was 'single again' for 15 years so I know. I'm not going to give you any of that 'advise' - it always made me want to spit! I also agree with the church looking over and around singles. Because of that I quit attending on a regular basis. They made me feel like a second class citizen.

I wish I had a magic formula for you but I don't. Just know that someone does understand and care.

Sherri said...

Read the book "Eat Pray Love". I think you will like it. I stumbled onto your page - I am going through a tough break-up. It has been very lonely these last four months. I can understand how you are feeling...

Kevin - "pax tecum" said...

I really don't think it is some sort of punishment for anything...perhaps you are being given time to reflect on your calling in life...Remember, it's all in His time...not ours. I hate to use this term in regards to the Faith, but if we really want to "get something out of our Faith", we sometimes need to put a little more effort into it. Talk to your priest about your concerns.

Susanlee said...

I certainly don't have the inside word on how god addresses past sins, and dishes out punishments and that sort of thing, but I did used to understand the basics, and isn't it supposed to be like the sin is completely wiped away once you've asked for forgiveness? I can't imagine that god's locked all the people that you could be happy with in a closet until he decides "you've thought about what you've done" or anything like that. I think that with your values though, it will be harder to find someone, since celibacy is hard for most people to understand. When you do find someone, you'll find that you're happier with them (I assume) because they'll share your beliefs....This has started to be rambling..sorry.

CatholicLady said...

God love you for your honesty.

I am a single woman too and also a very devout Catholic (uh, I guess you could tell from my screen name, huh?) and I have times where I wonder and question why it seems like I am being seemingly being overlooked or forgotten for trying to live by the teachings of the church and do what's "right"...So I let myself complain or cry a little or get angry but then I stop and I sit and really allow myself to remember how much I am loved by the Lord and it somehow all seems OK. He wants nothing more than our happiness, however he's going to get that to us!

The Cheshire Cat said...

You shouldn't feel bad or feel that you have to apologize if you need to rant on occasion. By all means, you have NEVER sounded ungrateful. You have always sounded like a very level headed, strong, devoted lady. Everyone needs to vent sometimes. I am trying to get caught up on your posts...I am waaay behind as usual. I am glad to hear that Josh is doing good too! I am sure that you are very proud of him. Not only that, I am sure that he is very proud to have you as a mother as well! :)